When my family and I first moved to the United States from Eritrea, I had to make a lot of adjustments. Although I was only a young child, it was difficult for me to be separated from my friends and extended family. Everything was new, yet some things were still the same, like the immense support and love my parents had for me.No matter what our circumstances were, my parents worked hard to raise me right and give me a good education. Their dedication, support, and love taught me about the value of money, the meaning of work ethic, giving back to your community, and above all, the importance of education.
I did my best to show my parents just how grateful I was to them by working hard in school, taking up extra curricular activities, and helping around the house. My freshmen year I joined my schools competition cheerleading team and earned my spot in the Junior Varsity squad. Being the only freshmen on the team with no experience I had a lot of catching up to do. I wanted to earn the respect of my teammates so I worked twice as hard, being the first one on the mat and the last one to leave. With my positive attitude and hard work, I helped my team place third in state. After the season was over I was determined to become even better. Over the summer I joined a couple of cheerleading programs in hopes of improving. Once school started again I tried out for Varsity and even though I didn't make it, I continued to work hard and was later moved up to Varsity.
Money was never something that came easy in my family. My parents would only buy things that were vital, but because I helped my parents read the bills and do the taxes it helped me understand the value of money. I was nominated by one of my teachers to attend the People to People Leadership program in Washington D.C. I knew my parents couldn't afford it so i raised money by selling candy bars and doing other odd jobs.
Following in the footsteps of my parents, I work hard in everything I do. I must admit, though, that I had not appreciated the importance of education prior to my junior year, because it was around this time I noticed the many people suffering as they tried to join the work force. This inspired me to turn my attention, my passion, and my work ethic toward my schooling, and it paid off as I got the grades for which I worked so hard.
That summer I also volunteered at Fairview Riverside Hospital where I developed an affinity for the medical field as a whole. One of the patients that was there spoke very little English. When I found out that she could speak Tigrinya I was able to translate for her what the therapist wanted her to do. I also ran into two other situations like this when I was escorting visitors. I found a great sense of joy and pride in being able to help people who had trouble understanding English.
Through my volunteering experience, I learned to value the language and customs I grew up with because I realized just how essential these concepts have been to my growth as an individual. I want to combine my two passions ; working in the medical field and helping immigrants who have trouble understanding the language.
I feel that my personal experiences, background, passion, work ethic, and my strong will to succeed will also help cultivate a more culturally diverse environment, where I can contribute unique and distinctive perspective both in my college career and my life.
Hello there,
I noticed that you mentioned three important points in your introduction:
#1 Your parents taught you the value of money( could be paragraph 1)
#2 The meaning of work ethic(could be paragraph 2)
#3 The essence of family unity( could be paragraph 3)
These three points are very good but you did not follow through in your body paragraph to develop each one of them by adding some specific examples related to the same main point.
You have an introduction : it is good
you have too long paragraphs : the first one you talked about your hard work in many ways , you tried to show how you value money, but you did not stay focused in the main point.
The second paragraph was about volunteer work, helping other people , but this not work ethic. You should be more specific and give some example to illustrate work ethic.
You do not have a conclusion. In your conclusion you should summarize the three points you presented in the introduction . Add one or two sentences to show your hope for the future.
over all it is a good essay , full of culture and experiences, it needs only some structure.
Best Regards.
Thank you! I added this to back up some of the things i said like how i value of money and work ethic. I'm not to sure if i did a good job though. What do you think?...
Veryy good!!! && inspiring
Here is an idea I had for you:
I must admit, though, that I had not appreciated the importance of education until prior to my junior year of high school , because it was around this time I noticed the many people suffering as they...
3rd
not 3ed
Here is a place to move a comma over:
Once school started again I tried out for Varsity, and even though i didn't make it I continued to work hard and later on was moved up to Varsity. ----see where I moved the comma?
In general, these are nicely written but not as focused and powerful as they could be. The essay can only be as deep as the central idea, and the central idea of this essay does not go very deep. You can add detail to the way you observe what you are observing, and extrapolate meaning by analyzing the mechanisms that are at work. What is the most important concept?
Hello,
extracurricular is one word
"I joined my schools competition" school's
"Being the only freshmen on the team with no experience I had a lot of catching up to do." I would add a comma ...experience, I...
In fact, there are a few more places for commas. Read it out loud and whenever you pause, add a comma.
thank you, any other comments would be really helpful!
