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I formed a five-girl team; CommonApp- Significant experience


yisha 6 / 33 8  
Dec 26, 2012   #1
Please have a look at my essay.
I am not sure I explain it clearly.
Is there any problem about the structure of my essay?
Do I need to add more details?
Could you point out my grammatical mistakes please?
Thank you! I will help back.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250-500 words)

This is not a story about success, but a story about growth.
I formed a five-girl team and became the group leader to participate in the water rocket competition because of my interest in physics, not knowing I would gain insight understandings about growth and leadership from it. The participants were required to launch the bottle rockets into the air with water and have the rockets stay aloft as long as possible.

Hoping to make a perfect rocket, I almost put all of my extra-curricular time to finished separated parts of the rocket. After class, I always dicussed with my physics teacher to get suggestions and inspiration. Searching for adequated information, one of our teammates and I started making the rocket bodies at my home and tested them to choose the best design. After she left, I continued to make other parts. When I released the fairing along with the parachute from the 10th floor, I saw the hope of victory as they drifted down like feathers.

However, problem appeared a week before the competition when I first tested our entire rocket. Our rocket was not launched vertically, and the parachute did not open normally. Rushing out of the bottle, the water not only wetted my clothes but also dampened my passion for victory. Seeing my improvement did not work, girls gradually lost their initial interests, leaving me (to be?) the only one who was still contributing.

Teammates' negative attitude really depressed me, but as the leader I took responsiblility for this predicament. Recalling the manufacturing process, I tried best to better the rocket but never had our entire group all involved in this process. Despite my disappointment, I persisted in improving the structure and parachute, meanwhile encouraging others to muster confidence to continue our work. Finally we cooperated in remaking a parachute, yet it was too late. Eventually during the competition, our parachute did not open, and the result, which was the ridiculous 2.8 seconds, put me in great dispiritedness.

Luciky, this failure did not deprive of my confidence. After all, leader is not the person who do everything for a team, but the core that can unite a team and guide all teammates to the same goal. Absorbing experience from that failure, I gradually matured and learned to be a leader. In the meeting when I was elected as the manager of school news department in our school magazine club, I stressed that we should utilize the wisdom and power of the whole department rather than completely depend on any single individual. And indeed I held meetings regularly to assure everyone's responsibility and group work. Seeing peers smiled while reading the school magazine, I first felt the sence of achievement as a leader. Benefiting from this leading experience, soon I successfully led a group of people to prepare many activities such as the school singing contest and swimming competition. With these valuable experience, I will be no longer a naive girl who know nothing about a team, but try to be an excellent leader.

tahanw13 5 / 19  
Dec 28, 2012   #2
well youre over the word limit so cut out an unnecessary sentence or two
black and white 7 / 30 6  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
Yisha,
...'leaving me (to be?) the only one who was still contributing' - it should be ..'and left me to be ...'
I took responsiblility for this predicament - I took THE responsibility
....' I tried best to better the rocket' - I tried MY best
but never had our entire group all involved in this process - sounds weird
this failure did not deprive of my confidence - did not deprive ME of my confidence
leader is not the person who do everything - after all A leader is not .... who DOES everything
Seeing peers smiled while reading the school magazine, - peers SMILING
Hope this helps. Good luck!
OP yisha 6 / 33 8  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
Thank you!Any help is appreciated! URGENT! I will help back!
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #5
"leaving me (to be?) the only one who was still contributing. " should be "as".

"Rushing out of the bottle, the water not only wetted my clothes but also dampened my passion for victory" should be "wet" I think.

Overall good essay and elaboration on what you did with what you learned from this experience ties everything up neatly, perfectly answering the prompt.
OP yisha 6 / 33 8  
Dec 29, 2012   #6
Thanks! Need help!I will help back!Please be harsh!Any comments on my corroboration?
luying9682 6 / 35 6  
Dec 29, 2012   #7
Hoping to make a perfect rocket,

I think this paragraph somehow looks like a report... maybe you should change your writing style

no other inappropriate things found :)

Good luck!
OP yisha 6 / 33 8  
Dec 30, 2012   #8
Thank you you all! Any suggestion is appreciated! Please be harsh!


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