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Forrest Gump/Biology/new environment; NYU Sup /Intrigues/Academic interest/Why NYUAD?


hanksze 3 / 8  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
Here are my NYU supplements, please tell me which one do you think is better(Number 1), and the logically or gramatically awkward places.

You can choose one of this to comment, feel free to be blunt.

Thanks a lot!

1. What intrigues you?

Forrest Gump, a character who showed me the beauty and wonder of life. I can still recall that unforgettable scene. Once in Vietnam, he rushed back into the bush under fierce bombardments to find his friends. Regardless of the falling bombs around him, he kept running, with no fear. The wounded on his back, one by one, narrowly got out of death. Perhaps he is foolish and reckless, yet with his naĂŻve belief in life and love for his family and friends, he lives a better life than anyone else.

After watching, I sitting on bench, touched and awed at Gump's eventful and colorful story. I felt an impulse of giving my Mom a big hug, for she has taught me, accompanied me all through my life, but I never showed her my gratitude. His belief inspired me to value every single thing I encounter. No matter it is good or bad, each of them has made who I am. Bad things surely are frustrating, but whenever I think of giving up, the rigid but sincere smile of Gump emerged in my mind, saying his famous quote "Life was like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're going to get". Then, once again, I got the strength to keep it on, to chase for the dream, as Gump does.

2. Academic interest?

Vividly I remembered, once hiking on a mountain. I saw a bee collecting nectar on a flower. Out of curiosity, I sneaked close and looked at its work. Seeing the tiny pollens covered all over the bee [...]
mela3 2 / 37 2  
Dec 28, 2012   #2
Good job, just remember to keep your tenses the same throughout your writing ( change "opens" to "opened", "teaches" to "taught"). Perhaps you could say "It opened the window to this flourishing world..." and "I vividly remember hiking up a mountain once" and "Seeing the tiny, pollen-covered bee"? "That is, without the bees collecting nectar, we, human, may lose the supply of food and starve to death." I would recommend removing "that is" and rephrasing it to "Without the bees collecting nectar, humans may lose a portion of their food supply." Perhaps you could use this "Thus, the bond between the ecosystem and humanity is unimaginably strong-- one missing piece can have a profound, and possibly disastrous, influence." I would suggest removing "on which our living relies" and rephrase to "I felt an impulse to unravel the mysteries of our environment, including what it is that keeps the circle of life in full motion."

Good Luck! =)
OP hanksze 3 / 8  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
Thanks a lot for your suggestions!!

The essay seemed to be much better and correct!!

Good luck with your application!!


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