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'I found lack of academic challenges' - Transfer Essay


John9041 3 / 6  
Feb 12, 2012   #1
I am planning on transferring schools and was hoping that someone could look over my essay and help me improve it. The Prompt is: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. Thank You

When looking and applying to colleges as a senior in high school I thought I had found a perfect match at UNCW. During my two years here, I have met many great lifelong friends and had many experiences that I would not trade for the world. At UNCW I have had two of the best years of my life but I just feel like something is missing and that UNCW might not be the ideal school for me today.

At UNCW I have found a lack of academic challenges. I personally do my best when I am challenged in the classroom and I have not found that challenge here. Many of the students I meet here chose to attend UNCW solely to party and go to the beach. Honestly those are major reasons that I choose to attend UNCW. Since my freshman year I have matured a lot and my priorities have changed greatly. While I have realized that academics are not the top priority for many of the students here, and they seem to do the bare minimum to get by.

I believe that UNC would give me the best resources to attain my academic and professional goals. UNC has been ranked as one of the top public university for its entire existence and is even considered a "Public Ivy" school. Being located in Research Triangle Park and having such a high reputation, Carolina has many advantages for networking and finding internships that can lead me into my future career.

Since my dad was a graduate of UNC and growing up only an hour and a half away from, I visited Chapel Hill a few times every year. The history and traditions of UNC such as being the first public university and drinking from the Old Well on the first day of classes rival no other institution. Chapel Hill is a special place and has an atmosphere that I have not experienced anywhere else. I would want nothing more than to tell people that I am a Tar Heel.

kawsneffect 8 / 37  
Feb 12, 2012   #2
At UNCW, I have found a lack of academic challenges. I personally do my best when I am challenged in the classroom,and but I have not found that challenge here. Many of the students I meet here chose to attend UNCW solely to party and go to the beach.

You may want to rephrase this sentence differently. It sounds like you are talking down on your school.
kawsneffect 8 / 37  
Feb 12, 2012   #3
When looking and applying to colleges As I was applying to colleges in my senior year of high school I thought I had found a perfect match at UNCW. During my two years spent here, I have met many great lifelong friends and had gained many new experiences that I would not trade for the world. However,....

At UNCW I have found a lack of academic challenges. I personally do my best when I am challenged in the classroom and I have not found that challenge here. Many of the students I meet here chose to attend UNCW solely to party and go to the beach. Honestly those are major reasons that I choose to attend UNCW. Since my freshman year I have matured a lot and my priorities have changed greatly. While I have realized that academics are not the top priority for many of the students here, and they seem to do the bare minimum to get by.

Rephrase this. Do not talk down on your school or the students at your school. Admission don't want to hear this. It makes them perceive you in a negative manner, and they surely won't admit someone who thinks like this.

I believe UNC offers...

UNC has been ranked as one of the top public university for its entire existence and is even considered a "Public Ivy" school. Being located in Research Triangle Park and having such a high reputation, Carolina has many advantages for networking and finding internships that can lead me into my future career.

Instead of sucking up to the school, talk about their programs offering, etc.
OP John9041 3 / 6  
Feb 14, 2012   #4
So I totally revised the essay and was hoping this one would be better. Any help with vocabulary to make it sound better and make the points stronger woud be appreciated. Thanks in advance for all the help.

This past summer after my freshman year in college I worked for Gallery Builders Inc. in Winston-Salem building and remodeling homes. They also have fourteen rental properties that they own and manage. The labor was tough and strenuous, but everyday I could look back at my work and I could see what I had accomplished that day. Every other Saturday we would volunteer our time and our tools for Habitat For Humanity and help them with their housing projects. This work and volunteer experience got me very interested in real estate and after talking to a friend's mother who is a realtor, I decided that I would love to pursue a career in real estate development and or real estate investments.

While visiting a few friends in Chapel Hill last fall I found out that UNC has a customizable business degree, which allows students to take classes in a variety of business fields to suit the individual students needs. UNCW has many concentrations in their business school but real estate is not an option. The real estate program along with taking some entrepreneurship courses at Kenan-Flagler Business School would give me a head start in my career and give me the tools and knowledge to help grow and expand a current business and hopefully allow me to start my own business after I get a little more experience in the field.

During my two years here at UNCW, I have met many great lifelong friends and had many experiences that I would not trade for the world. At UNCW I have had two of the best years of my life but I just feel like transferring to a school that better fits my area of interest would be the best for me in the future. UNC would give me the best tools and resources to attain both my academic and professional goals. Being located in Research Triangle Park and having such a high reputation, Carolina has many advantages for networking and finding internships that can lead me into my future career.

Since my dad was a graduate of UNC and growing up only an hour and a half away from, I visited Chapel Hill a few times every year. The history and traditions of UNC such as being the first public university and drinking from the Old Well on the first day of classes rival no other institution. Chapel Hill is a special place and has an atmosphere that I have not experienced anywhere else. I would want nothing more than to tell people that I am a Tar Heel.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Feb 14, 2012   #5
You have done a great job with this essay. Nice layout, near-perfect grammar, plenty of content, a good attitude towards life :) You explain why you are transferring without saying anything negative about your current school. You have many good reasons to transfer and it is obvious that you have a plan for life. You explained why you are interested in that career path, and have shown yourself to be a hard worker. You sound mature and intelligent, I think any school would be happy to have you as a student :)
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Feb 16, 2012   #6
This past summer after my freshman year in college, I worked for Gallery Builders Inc. in Winston-Salem building and remodeling homes.

The labor was tough and strenuous, but every day ---Two words here.--- I could look back at my work and I could see what I had accomplished that day.

This work and volunteer experience got me very interested in real estate, and after talking to a friend's mother who is a realtor, I decided that I would love...

...of my life but I just feel like transferring to a school that better fits my area of interest would be the best for me in themy future.

:)
Good luck with school and have fun!


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