I found myself averting from classical music; Common App

Hi guys, my deadline is impeding (in two days..), and I really need feedback/comments for my essay. Please help me out :) Thank you ! (It's 49 words longer btw)

He turned the light off and lied down on his bed. Trumpet began playing and soon piano, violin, timpani and trombone tied up to make a full harmony. His all time favorite Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto in B Minor was playing on the radio, and a strange force compelled a sensitive seven-years-old boy to think and reminisce. Soon enough, he was snoring. It was my typical bedtime.

But my bedtime routine all changed after I entered elementary school. Elementary school was a place of conformity, where I had to follow the strict rules: blue is for guys, red is for girls; classical music is for old people, pop music is for young people. Apparently I was a "little grandpa" if I enjoyed listening to classical music. Though it was strange why anyone would not listen to this great genre, as I grew older, I found myself shrinking and conforming to the norm before the society completely shut down my self-confidence and dignity.

Eventually I conformed. I found myself averting from classical music, playing pop music station during bed time, and trying to color everything in blue to become an ordinary boy. Occasionally, I secretly put on my headphones and listen to my favorite Tchaikovsky piece. Then again, I put the headphone down, in the fear of someone asking me "what are you listening to?" I was not prepared to confront the mockery and the embarrassment- until I met Lang Lang.

I first met Lang Lang at his piano concert with my aunt's ticket. But it was not an ordinary one. As an interlude, he played the Chopin's Black Keys with an orange. When he played Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto, his facial expression reminded me of a pig. He constantly stood up and down as if he was a marionette. I laughed, questioning his professionalism and his fame. Despite my boorish behavior, Lang Lang completed his sonata flawlessly, received an overwhelming standing ovation. I was no longer smiling, but gazing in amazement. Suddenly, he was my hero, who overcame the embarrassment of his eccentric performance, then turned it into an exceptional performance, and even acclaimed by the norm as an added bonus.

From that day on, I have been modeling after Lang Lang, to be unique, not ordinary. I have been gradually becoming my seven-year-old self again, listening to the genre of music I love shamelessly and proudly. And I have even extended this influence to my obstinate, pop-loving friends to grow interest in the classical music realm. With the gained self-confidence and even leadership, coupled with my love for music, I founded various volunteer programs such as the musical therapy program at a local hospital, and the music tutoring program for the underprivileged kids. Though some of my peers warned me, "Why waste your time? There are plenty other volunteer opportunities out there." But I remained constant and have been running the programs successfully, and even gained recognitions from the media as an added bonus. Ultimately, I have become an owner of myself, not a follower of others, and I have learned to pursue my own field of passion and take pride in it. Now, I put myself to sleep, listening to Lang Lang's rendition of Tchaikovsky, reflecting on his influence. Soon enough, I am snoring. It is my typical bedtime. (549)

REALLY like this. Nice voice and you really developed your own story. Beautiful.

Wow thank you for the feedback! Enlightening to hear that T_T anyone else? Any input is welcome !

Any input would be appreciated :)

I really enjoy the topic and your writing is very fluid! I think if you're trying to find places to take out words it would be somewhere in here:

But my bedtime routine all changed after I entered elementary school. Elementary school was a place of conformity, where I had to follow the strict rules: blue is for guys, red is for girls; classical music is for old people, pop music is for young people. Apparently I was a "little grandpa" if I enjoyed listening to classical music. Though it was strange why anyone would not listen to this great genre, as I grew older, I found myself shrinking and conforming to the norm before the society completely shut down my self-confidence and dignity.

Eventually I conformed. I found myself averting from classical music, playing pop music station during bed time, and trying to color everything in blue to become an ordinary boy. Occasionally, I secretly put on my headphones and listen to my favorite Tchaikovsky piece. Then again, I put the headphone down, in the fear of someone asking me "what are you listening to?" I was not prepared to confront the mockery and the embarrassment- until I met Lang Lang.

These could both be cut down or ommitted in my opinion, but I do like the real embarrassment you bring to the essay with the sentences about the headphones. Maybe combine them:

occasionally, I would put on my headphones on in secret to listen to my favorite Tchaikovsky piece, only to remove them a second later in fear.

I hope this helps a little!

Apparently I was considered a "little grandpa" if I enjoyed listening to classical music.

Though it was strange why anyone would not listen to this great genre Personally, I found this a bit difficult to read! Try rewording it :)

Thenonce again 'Then again' made it sound like you were contrasting your thoughts! , I put the headphone down, in the fear of someone asking me "what are you listening to?"

But it was not an ordinary one. What was not ordinary? Based on the last noun used, I thought you were talking about the ticket! Is that what it was?

Despite my boorish behavior, Lang Lang completed his sonata flawlessly,and received an overwhelming standing ovation.

I have been gradually becoming my seven-year-old self again, Again, repharse this! "Gradually, I became my seven-year old self again.."

the music tutoring program for the underprivileged kids

Though some of my peers warned me, "Why waste your time? There are plenty other volunteer opportunities out there." This sounds a bit incomplete...Combine it with your previous sentence!

Really well-written, with amazing description! I enjoyed it :))
Good luck!

I really like your essay, only worry is the length.

Isn't it limited to 300~500 words?

Overall really good essay with good development of your voice and experience.

Please help on mine :)

Pink! :) Pink is for girls.

@meagannh11&valeriadavila01 - Thank you so much :) I added/fixed some things you recommended !
@Wind5 - yea.. I have to shorten it by 40~50 words.]
@yuzec95 - hahaha in my school, it was both,,, and White as well.

Thank you guys :) More feedbacks are more than welcome ! and also do i need a title for this? if so.. any recommendations :)

"- until I met Lang Lang."
you never really 'met' him. you saw him at his concert. Get rid of "I first met Lang Lang at his piano concert with my aun'ts ticket." change it to something like " I first saw Lang Lang when my aunt took me to his concert."

holmes01234 - Thank you so much :) I will fix that

Anyone else?

He turned the light off and lay down not lied down.
line 10- bedtime not bed time
oeverall essay is very appreciative.

Bikash2013 - Good catch there. Thank you !

Any more feedbacks?

it is better to replace those commas with and. commas can only seperate a sentence and a fragment but it cant seperate 2 sentences.


don't forget the comma after asked and capitalize the w in what


if you are going to use but, it's better to combine the sentences instead of making them 2 different ones
but if you want to keep it as two sentences you might want to use another transition word like however or something


I dont think you need the word 'the'

Also how old is Lang Lang? Is he around your age? older? younger? I think it would help with your point especially if he's around your age.

I like this version much better than the other one ^^ It flows more and shows a lot how Lang Lang influenced you.

You might want to change the word bedtime though. It refers to the actual time you went to bed more than the situation or mood in which you went to bed.