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"to found my own corporation" - info about myself, Warren Wilson Essay


CollegeFlowers7 6 / 5  
Dec 13, 2010   #1
Hey guys! I'd love some assistance with this essay. This topice for me was challenging so I'm not quite sure how this essay sounds. Please read and critique.

Prompt: Please submit a personal essay containing information that you identify as being important about yourself other than the facts and figures already given in this application. You may write about an experience, accomplishment or future plans. Remember that Warren Wilson College has a unique approach to education through its Triad of Academics, Work (15 hours a week), Service Learning (25 hours per year), and a strong commitment to the environment and cross-cultural understanding.

When I was young, all of my friends complained about having younger siblings, and despite my efforts not to, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. What I wanted most was to be a big sister; to have someone to play with and take care of, but these kids simply cast their siblings off as though they were a burden instead of a blessing. What made things worse was that I wasn't an only child. I have three brothers and two sisters, but three of which have never resided with me and the last two siblings I acquired later in life through my mother's second marriage. I had siblings, but I never have the chance to see them, and even then, I knew that it wasn't right that things had to be the way they were. This is the primary reason I have the idea for my future plans set up in the way that I do.

My first step in life is an excellence education. Decent or good is not good enough; only the best education will suffice. I will earn my bachelor's degree in business administration, then proceed to enter into a graduate program to earn my MBA. Once completed, I can begin to establish myself in the world. My ultimate goal is to found my own corporation; one that produces toys and learning materials for children. I would also like to set up a multitude of children's recreational facilities, where they can play, socialize, and learn among others in a safe environment. I want to help all children, those that have been displaced in society and those that are lucky enough to come from loving homes as well. Every person deserves a chance to grow and reach their potential, and I believe the small things, such as a favorite toy or a memorable day during one's childhood, helps in the developmental process. We can all look back and remember those long summer days full of ice cream and playgrounds with fondness. Shouldn't everyone be given those same opportunities to build those sorts of memories?

I do want the things that quite a few other people want as well, such as marriage, but not until after I've finished my masters. I, of course, also want children, but I want to keep my own together, as I've clearly seen and felt the effects of being separated from siblings. My main goals in life are to keep my businesses afloat, to try new and different business endeavors along the way, and to ultimately make time for my children and make sure they stay together and happy.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 15, 2010   #2
What made things worse, was that I wasn't an only child.

I had siblings, but I never have the chance to see them, and even then, I knew that it wasn't right that things had to be the way they were. ---This sentence is a little bit confusing, I think you should rewrite it for the sake of clarity.

My first step in life is an excellent education.

Shouldn't everyone be given the same opportunities to build those sorts of memories?

Here's all I could find to correct or for you to work on. Your essay shows how serious you are and why you're passionate about your plans for the future. Good luck in school!

:)


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