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I've always found the term Alien offensive not because it's malicious


ben_may440 5 / 10  
Dec 31, 2014   #1
So i have my Common app essay written out but i feel like its not fleshed out the way I would like it to be. The word limit really only allowed me to scratch the surface of my experience. If you guys could give me your ideas on the essay any mistakes you may see it would be really helpful!

Prompt:Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay:

I've always found the term Alien offensive not because it's malicious, but because in a world where there is a racial slur for every shape, color, and orientation Alien is the only term everyone feels okay to use. Judges, politicians, and even teachers all use the term Alien to describe immigrants never paying attention to the ramification of their words. They never realize that by using the word Alien to describe an immigrant they are effectively dehumanizing us. The word takes away our loves, fears, ambitions, and appearance replacing it instead with a problem, a monster straight out of the mind of Ridley Scott.

My first coherent memory of my childhood is of arriving in the Nashville International Airport. I remember seeing my dad for the first time in what had seemed like forever. I remember the glee that filled my heart, his cologne suffocating me as I hugged him, and the tears that poured down my face as I pictured my family reunited again. I was in a fresh new world on my way to living a dream that so many have had before me, but I felt no different then what I felt before. I still loved movies and comic books and hated broccoli and haircuts. I was no different in this new world then I was in my old, and in fact I was no different than any other child my age.

I never understood what made me an immigrant until the summer of 2006. What made me different is that I had no "papers". To the immigrant community papers were the golden ticket to jobs, stability, and happiness in the New World. To me they were the reason my perfect world came crumbling down. To this day I can still hear the knock on the door and the roar of the officer commanding me to open up. I can still picture the look of confusion on my dad's face when I told him the police were outside. Most horrifying of all I can still see my mom, the woman that raised me, being taken away her pregnant stomach uncomfortably entering the patrol car. At the time there were no words to describe how I felt, but looking back now the only word I can think of is powerless. Despite how smart everyone at school said I was I was still powerless to stop my mom from being taken away. I could not go meet with the lawyers, I could not go to the court hearings. All I could do was stay at home and hide my sister from the truth until my mom finally returned.

Once my mom returned I believed everything would return to normal. Unfortunately in 6th grade my father was arrested for working illegally. This time I was not powerless, I armed myself with as much knowledge about law as possible and I accompanied my dad and his lawyer to every court related appointment. I translated for my dad on any chance I could. I stood with him on his final court date as the judge told my father that he and I may stay in the country.

My experience changed me in ways that I could never imagine. It made me stronger, smarter, and put me on the path to becoming a lawyer. It taught me that life throws you curve balls when you least expect it, and all you can do is prepare, adapt, and fight to accomplish your goals. Most importantly my experience gave me a thirst for change. My experience pushes me to change the U.S., and make it a place where the word Alien is unacceptable. A place where a young African child can grow up and feel at home. A place where South Korean girl can live without worrying about her "papers". A place where a Nicaraguan boy can move to and feel like everyone else.
ccbrownlee 2 / 5  
Dec 31, 2014   #2
I don't know what you're worried about with that essay, honestly! It's really telling and explains exactly how you were put on the track that you were on. You wrote from the heart and I can tell. The only issues I see are grammatical, and they can easily be fixed! Most of them are just missing commas and the such.
OP ben_may440 5 / 10  
Dec 31, 2014   #3
Thanks for the advice I'll be sure to check my grammar again.
nkp28 1 / 20 1  
Dec 31, 2014   #4
This is such a powerful piece, not only because you're a verys strong writer and you "showed and not telled" which was brilliant, but as previously stated you spoke from the heart. I really enjoyed the fact that this answered the prompt perfectly, because I can only imagine that this is a big part of who you are. Kudos to you my friend! The only difficulty I see derives from having just read your Brown Supplement. Don't change your main essay in the slightest when it comes to context, but make sure that each essay tells about a different part/side of you, see each supplement as an opportunity to show the adcoms something new about you that you have yet to touch upon anywhere else! But again great job!
OP ben_may440 5 / 10  
Dec 31, 2014   #5
Thanks it did have a big impact on me. I attempted to make my Brown supplement different, but could not see how without loosing what makes me love law. I hope that I can show my personality through my other essays!


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