TOPIC: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
MY FOUR-YEAR ADVENTURE
I had spent half of my childhood at my uncle's house. It's not that I hung out there all the time or anything. It's just that my parents couldn't afford a house in the city with their meet-ends-meet salary. Fortunately, when I was 6 years old, against all the odds, they managed to buy a house in a new residential area. Unfortunately, there wasn't any school near our new house. Therefore, my lovely parents had reached a very shocking decision; I would continue to live at my uncle house to go school and they would visit me once a week. And so it began, it's me against the world.
As I am sure you can image, for kids at my age then, it would be very difficult to live away from your mother. Though my uncle is a great man, I still miss my mom as well as her old dishes. But I gradually came to accept the reality due to his amazing cooking skill. My uncle had welcomed me into his house with all his heart, I could felt it. So, I got used to living here. After all, it's awesome to live near your school; you would never be too late for class. My elementary school is like one hundred steps away from the house so I walked to school all those years. But, now, I realize that was the reason I didn't know how to ride a bike. No one had the time to notice that and at that time, I really enjoy walking so I don't really care at all, at least not until I was 10 and too scare to learn.
Living away from home had left me lack of some specific skill like riding, but it gave me more than I could acknowledge. My mom gave me allowance once a week so I could buy whatever I want. That's pretty powerful thing for a kid, right? However, since there wasn't much of it so I always had to think twice before buying anything. Spending too much on snacks might cost my breakfast. During my four-year of residence, I had managed to collect many cute things. There was a time when Barbie fever came into town; every girl was crazy about it and so was I. I used to spend every evening after school playing doll at my friend's house. I was dreaming of having one and after several week of saving my allowance, I finally got a hand of on Barbie. Well, a naked one with no clothes, no jewelry for the saleslady felt sorry for me so she gave me a great deal. Anyway, the feeling when I had the Barbie doll as your own is something I will never forget.
Being on your own could be scary and dangerous at some point. But for me, that was the opportunity to see the world without being under the carefully watching eye of my parents. I even got to the point when I was scammed by a woman. But hey, that was some adventure, wasn't it?
At the age of 10, I moved in with my parent in our home sweet home. However, my awesome years at my uncle's house have changed me greatly. It is the pre - step of my growing up. This is my secret weapon to face on the long run ahead of me. And look out World! Here I come!
Well done Samantha, you have done a good job in narrating your childhood experience.
For my side, I can spot certain grammatical errors, without which your essay will surely a notch ahead.
Following are based on my observation:
1, I would continue to live at my uncle house to go school and they would visit me once a week.--> "I would continue to live with my uncle and they would visit me once in a week."
2, "...for kids at my age then..." --> use 'at' when you denote a place. use 'in' instead
3, "... all his heart, I could felt it" --->use first form of verb i.e. feel after 'could'. "I could feel it."
4, As you are narrating things from the past, you have used past tense. This is perfect, but it seems you have the habit of using present tense at times. This can be avoided. I had the same problem, when I started and I am trying to avoid it. "No one had the time to notice that and at that time, I really enjoyenjoyed walking so I don'tdid not really care at all,
5, One more advice from my side: Always try to avoid apostrophe as in, use 'did not' instead of 'didn't'. This can be ensured while writing in a formal setup.
These are the things, which I have noticed.
Experts may guide you better.
Keep Improving.
All the Best.
Hello,
The common application has recently changed their topics; I do not believe the question you answered is an available prompt anymore. The prompts are:
- Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their
application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
- Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons
did you learn?
- Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you
make the same decision again?
- Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience
there, and why is it meaningful to you?
- Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from
childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
1. Remove the slang:
---hung out
--- school is like one hundred steps away
---powerful thing for a kid, right?
---But hey
2. Remove the cliches:
---all the time
---against all the odds
---me against the world
---all his heart
---think twice
---home sweet home
---felt sorry for me
---see the world
---secret weapon
---the long run
--- look out World
---Here I come
3. Learn how coordinating conjunctions work (and don't work).
4. Your verb tense is all over the place. (<--That's a cliche, too.)
There are some nice ideas here but the problems above need to be addressed.
