Hello,
I am 8th grader in CT, applying 9th grade boarding schools. (may include Taft, Loomis, Kent, Miss Porter's... )
please help proof reading my essay and any suggestions (on structure,ideas, ... anything) welcomed.
Really appreciate your help!!
Prompt: Describe a person you admire or who has influenced you a great deal.
Essay:
My fourth grade teacher always struck me as a perfect role model. Mrs. Smith was always supportive, warm-hearted, persistent, optimistic, funny, and easygoing. Her lessons were carefully planned out, engaging, and made the learning environment very enjoyable. This is exactly what you would want to find in an exemplary teacher. I really grew substantially that year, morally and academically.
What I think really made me look up to her is the fact that she was always optimistic and persistent even facing daunting difficulties. With a husband ailing from cancer and children to support, she still came to school every day with a smile on her face and hugs ready to give. She didn't let the grave circumstances at home interfere with our education. When she came back to school after her husband died, I remember that I was afraid to look her in the eyes, afraid to find that smile gone. Nevertheless, she still acted as she did every other day. Most people, in a similar situation, would be very distraught and despondent yet Mrs. Smith always carefully prepared her lessons and came to school with an infectious smile. She could have given up, but she chose not to, for the good of herself and for the good of me and my classmates. She pushed through hardships and came out still that warm, supportive, optimistic person she always was.
Mrs. Smith influenced me in many ways and made me the person I am today. At that time, I didn't comprehend her situation to its full extent. However, when I became more mature, I realized just how much she went through. Now I look to her for an example whenever I come across an obstacle in life. Last year, I competed in the Battle of the Books, a highly competitive event where contestants answer questions on 20 selected books. My team of six went up against 24 other teams in the 7th and 8th grade. Throughout the hours of studying and memorizing, I put to use the tenacity and optimism I saw in Mrs. Smith. I said to myself, "I can do this." In the end, my team won the school championship 118 to 106. At the beginning, I felt doubtful about the chances of winning against so many teams. However, I began to look at it positively and in turn, encouraged my teammates. All things considered, that was definitely not the first time I Mrs. Smith indirectly helped me and definitely not the last.
You can find countless articles and quotes about perseverance, and optimism. However, nothing has affected me the as much as Mrs. Smith, she showed me how a person, living with great adversity, could still lead a positive life, and go on to influence other people for the better. The sun keeps rising and the earth keeps spinning no matter what happens. Every day is a new day. Mrs. Smith realized this and went on to transfer the message to more people.
Down the road, there will be boulders blocking my path to success. But with what I learned from Mrs. Smith, I know I can overcome these problems while keeping a positive outlook on life. Overall, Mrs. Smith was an amazing teacher who was a great influence in my life and is my personal role model.
YJ, this is a very good essay. You chose someone that not all students actually pay attention to. Teacher as more often than not taken for granted in their line of work and are often the object of a students ire. It is nice to see how you found something to not only love, but emulate in your teacher. While the description you gave of her was quite interesting and visual, I wish that you had gone on a little bit deeper with regards to the way she influenced your life. Perhaps offering us a glimpse into the kind of relationship that you had with her on an individual basis. This would have given us a clearer and even better idea as to how and why you chose to make her the exemplary role model basis for your essay. Over all, this is solid work and can actually already be used in its current form. The mention I made was only a suggestion which you may or may not choose to use :-)
