Hi!! There is my big piece of meat/common app' essay!!!
If someone could proof read/edit it please... I would really appreciate it!!
Also, do you think it is too long? Schould I take things out? Tell me everything!!
Thanks for helping!
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (250 words minimum)
I was in the East suburb of Berlin, Germany for the summer when my parents told me on the phone that we would be moving to India one year later. They had always heard me saying that, driven by curiosity and hunger for experience, I would be living in a trailer, traveling the world, or that when I would turn eighteen, I would take the first train for anywhere with only a backpack. But I had never imagined that I would be moving to another continent before this date, or even that it would be with my whole family. Four kids still in school, two parents with full-time jobs, and a whole life living in the same city of Lyon, France seemed to me pretty much like a steady life.
I turned eighteen and got my French high school diploma seven months ago, but my backpack is voluntarily still under my bed. The reason? I have been living in Chennai, India for almost one year and a half now, and this life gave me a new perspective on myself and my future.
To accept to follow my family in this exciting adventure was certainly the most daring decision I ever took, and it was not without any difficulty, that we chose to shift our lives from a secure and predicable world to a challenging one, full of uncertainties. Added to what I had learn in my geography classes and what I had seen on the internet, my only believes about India were clichés of colorful cows in the streets, of arranged marriages, and of crazy traffic.
In addition to the cultural and conceptual gaps we would face, was the challenge of the English language and of the American school system my siblings and I would integrate into. I left France at the end of my 11th grade year, and in order to have more time to discover the Indian culture and to graduate from the American school with a proper level of English, I chose to do another 11th grade year in this English school, delaying the date of my graduation. I somehow traded a part of my independence, for the chance to discover and profoundly understand such a different culture and for the opportunity to experience the diversity offered by the American school of Chennai, and no one will ever catch me saying that I regret it.
I was sixteen when we moved in and at this age, you do not soak whatever is in you environment anymore. Instead, it was fascination for the cultural density and the social explosion of the old traditional city of Chennai. What I could observe, learn, and understand of my new surrounding constructively met my French cultural roots, my Judeo-Christian education, and my progressive European convictions, to create new believes concerning subjects ranging from direct human relationships to overpopulation. I became able to, --without consenting to them-- , find understandable and defendable concepts such as the arranged marriage or the cast system, that seem revolting when glimpsed from our developed nations.
Meanwhile, such a gap emphasized my individuality and consolidated the links within my family. We had always been very close with each other, and the mutual support became more and more important in the process of appreciating this experience. Being surrounded by expatriates from all over the world and by different Indian communities requires a constant attention and effort of adaptation. These challenges were often the cause of such a maturing affection. I came to understand better the influence of my own culture and education, and to be proud of it differently, because I realized they were primordial ingredients of my identity.
This dense experience brought me more than I could imagine. I felt much better surrounded by people defined by different background and experiences. I forgot what being bored meant. I even looked for places where I could magnify this diversity to prolong and intensify this experience. I did not forget about my project of travel, and I decided to start it by a couple of years of a liberal education in a US College where the experience of diversity is the philosophy.
Today, I still wonder if it is the change toward diversity or diversity itself that is the most important, but I believe that diversity is necessary to envisage any sort of visionary progress. It offers the opportunity to learn from the challenge of difference about what is around, but also about what is inside.
Please, answer my questions!!
Thanks a lot!!
1. "American school my siblings and I would integrate"; American school my siblings and I would integrate into "
2. "American school with an proper level of English"; "American school with a proper level of English"
3. "I chose to do another 11th grade year I this English school, delaying the date of my graduation"; "I chose to do another 11th grade year in this English school, thus delaying the date of my graduation
4. "no one will ever caught me saying that I regret it"' "no one will ever catch me saying that I regret it"
5. The bit about where you find the cast system "understandable and defendable"; NOT AT ALL a good idea to say. The cast system was and remains a very tainted concept and certainly no educated Indian would ever defend it. And I think this runs counter to the concept of a liberal arts education, where acceptance and tolerance are two key virtues. I would remove that, if I were you :)
6. "We had always been very close from each other"; "We had always been very with each other"
7. "my family has never been my motivation for my desire for independence"; I really do not understand what you are trying to convey here. Might want to make it a bit more clear or rephrase it.
Overall, well done! This is a really good piece. Though I think you can still improve on a few places by making the transitions from one para. to another, smoother. Also, I have corrected the few things I noticed, but there is still quite a bit of patching up to do.
Hope this help :)
Good luck!
I don't think it is necessary to specify "Germany" in that first line. The reader knows where Berlin is.
The first occurrence of the word that can be removed from the second line. Often, it is possible to improve a sentence by removing that word. :-)
I have had been living in...
I turned eighteen and got my French high school diploma seven months ago, ---This is overly complex... you write very well, so I'll give you high level writing criticism. I think I know the effect you are trying to get with this part, and I don't think you got it. Just look at it again and see if a brilliant revision comes to mind. Actually, i think this is a case where you get more power by simplifying and trimming away a detail:
I turned eighteen and got earned my French high school diploma seven months ago, ...
(and I added an action verb, too!) Do you see how it is better when it is not weighed down by the part about turning eighteen? That probably was a detail that hypnotized you in a cool way when you wrote it, so you kept it thinking you would share that experience with the reader, but actually the reader can't experience it the way you did. That's a frustrating lesson I guess all good writers learn. :-)
Today, I still wonder if it is the change toward diversity or diversity itself that is the most important, ---This is a part I don't understand very well. You could explain it a little more, I guess...
But really, I am just trying to give you some scrutiny. This essay is already very impressive. You think in a complex way! One good way to improve this, though, will be to add a memorable theme, a memorable phrase repeated at the beginning and also at the end.
