This is for the Common App personal Essay:
Two weeks before I was set to enter my senior year at Hudson High School, my father came home with the news that his job transfer went through and we were being relocated to Brest, France. For two days I attended Hudson High like a normal student because my parents did not know what they would be doing about my education in France. It turned out that Brest does not have an American or International school, so my parents went into panic looking for schooling options. My mother finally stumbled upon the answer, K12 International Academy, an online school.
My parents presented me with the option of staying in America through December and attending Hudson High School so that I could walk at Hudson's graduation ceremony. Walking at graduation was a luxury I would not be given at an online school, where the students are spread out across the globe. My parents knew how much I had been looking forward to walking at graduation, and worked out an early graduation plan with my principal, where I would graduate in December, and come home from France to walk at graduation. I was all set to take the deal until my dad got word that the rest of the family would move in the beginning of November. This brought up a lot questions I had to find answers to. Who would I stay with when my family left? What would I do to continue my education in the months between my early graduation and entering college while in France? Would missing my family be an issue? What factors hadn't I considered?
When my parents and I sat down to discuss what I had decided my mother asked me to consider what doing online school would mean to my sister Kayleigh. She was already having a difficult time with the upcoming move, and the unknown of online school spooked her even more. My parents reasoned that not only would I be there to help her academically but emotionally with the transition. That eventually became another reason why I decided to go to K12, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that online school presented me with the flexibility I needed to expand my horizons. It would introduce me to people from all over the world, and when in France it would give me the ability to travel freely and go to school simultaneously.
The thought that I could have stayed in public school and walked at graduation occasionally pops into my head. But the thought of sitting in an overcrowded room listening to speech after clichĂŠ speech no longer bothers me. I no longer pine over the loss of my high school graduation, but look forward to my college graduation.
it seems no one has replied, so i will! i didnt look for grammar mistakes but my overall feedback is as follows:
i think you could make it a more "grabbing" introduction if you presented the problem in a more dramatic fashion. perhaps focus on when you were told you options to make a decision? then you can go in to detail about why after that
in the conclusion, rather than focusing on how you are looking to the future and not really considering the past, focus on the qualities that you possess that allowed you to make the decision. it sounds as if you were thoughtful, considered all potential options then selecting the best one. you clearly do not regret it so you chose the best option for you.
decisiveness and thoughtfulness are qualities that colleges are looking for, and i think you should present them more explicitly in your conclusion. you currently are relying on interpretation to find those qualities.
the topic is interesting and i think if you make these changes to the intro and concl you can have a very good essay
best of luck to you!
Your second draft is much more compelling than the first one, great revisions!
i like the idea of the first sentence, but i think its awakwardly worded.
Also, isn't 2 days, 48 hours? these are small details that definitely can't be overlooked!
"My father's company gave me two days to decide. Two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes is the time I was given. Twenty four hours to make this decision. Two days to decide where I would be living in November. Twenty four hours to decide how to educate myself. Two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes to decide where I would call home. Two days to alter my life."
I like how you use repetition and all to stress the time given, but after I read the first three sentences it sort of started to become monotonous, losing your desired meaning (i suppose)
I would delete the sentences highlighted in red to remove the monotony and to save words which you could incorporate somewhere else.
Otherwise its a really nice essay! I could really sense your distinct voice and style through your writing.
Good Luck :D
Yeah haha, thats what writing at 2 in the morning gets you. I fixed it. You can see another revised version in my other thread!
As most people are allowed in their life the time had come for my fathers "Honey I shrunk the kids" moment. Sorry, the beginning of your sentence confused me? Maybe reword it to be more clear.
I really like this essay! I think you show your apprehension and growth and your ability to listen to others. Perhaps add in more about why you decided to attend K12 and not because your parents convinced you?
Does anyone have any suggestions of a word or phrase I could replace the "Honey I shrunk the kids" part with? Not something that would make it a eureka moment but one that is a "i got my dream job...but for it you all are going to have to move halfway around the world!" type of moment?