It's my extracurricular activity essay in the common application.
Though 1,000 character is the maximum, it's more than 1400 characters including spaces (1200 excluding spaces)
Please help me brush it up and make it more concise.
Also since I'm a Japanese with no foreign experience attending a local school, I'm not very good at English...
There should be grammatical errors and inappropriate uses of language, so please point them out.
Prompt:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1,000 character maximum)
My writing:
A twelve-year-old boy is working ten hours a day to survive. Another twelve year old boy is striving to aid children in need from tens of thousands of miles away. 'What am I doing here, with a warm bed and full meals?' Having read about students' activity on development issues, I joined 'Free the Children Japan' in the hope of doing a bit for those suffering from extreme poverty. A major activity as it was, I thought we could do more than street fund-raising. I sought for student but adults could do. I found an answer: to tell. As I researched more, I realized that there are many issues co-related to poverty and that different people need to play many different roles to tackle the problem. I decided to let others, especially teens, know more about what was happening in the other side of the world, so that they could contribute now or in the future in their own ways. High school students know the best what other high school students welcome. Taking this advantage, I founded a student-run magazine for teens on development issues and career to engage in international cooperation. As well as leading that project, I set up two events with other members. In both events, we offered opportunities to learn about an issue at the same time of enjoying quizzes, simulation games or live performances. 'Your event opened my eyes.' Hearing this from my peers makes me convince I was able to achieve my aim and propels me to pursue my own career to address extreme poverty.
A twelve-year-old boy is laboring for ten hours a day to make a living . Another twelve year old boy is striving to aid children in need from tens of thousands of miles away. 'What am I doing here, with a warm bed and full meals?' Having read about students' activity on development issues, I joined 'Free the Children Japan' in the hope of doing a bit for those suffering from extreme poverty. A major activity as it was, I thought we could do more than street fund-raising. I sought for student but adults could do. I found an answer: to tell. As I researched more, I realized that there are many issues co-related to poverty and that different people need to play many different roles to tackle the problem. I decided to let others, especially teens, know more about what was happening in the other side of the world, so that they could contribute sooner or later in their own ways. High school students know the best what other high school students welcome. Taking this advantage, I founded a student-run magazine for teens on development issues and career to engage in international cooperation. As well as leading that project, I set up two events with other members, offering opportunities to learn about an issue at the same time of enjoying quizzes, simulation games or live performances. 'Your event opened my eyes.' Hearing this from my peers makes me convinced I wasam able to achieve my aim and propels myself to pursue my own career to address extreme poverty.
Just some advice. I really like your thesis and your deed!
Please see mine as linked!Thanks!
>angela0407
Thank you!!
I really appreciate your help
It has become clearer in this way :)
I think telling more about your activity is better. If i was grading your essay, I'd want to find out how much you know and how involved you are. I understand that talking about the reason is fine but dont dwell on it too much.
