UC prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. what about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
When I looked around me, I saw the unyielding world, routine and structured. The world's accelerating progression towards the faster, the greater, and the better allowed little room for relaxation. I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world has laid out for me, aiming for the society's definition of success. My life was consumed by expectations, and I was striving for my future out of obligation to the society- which proved to be dull, boring, and pointless.
I found myself in the same dull and awkward position during the first few hours of World Changers in Clovis. I paid hundreds of dollars to participate in this program for a week, and I was grouped up with strangers from all over the country. Our group was assigned to re-roof the entire home of a family in financial difficulties. For the first few hours, we mostly worked in silence, only speaking when necessary. We merely worked for our own satisfaction, and I accepted it as a response to what the society had continually conditioned us to do.
Little was I expecting the next turn of events.
Our attitudes took a drastic turn after we met our homeowner, Gabriella. She thanked us over and over again with tears and laughter. She spilled her heart out about her difficult situation. She held each of us in her hand and expressed her gratitude. The touch of intimacy Gabriella provided for us brought our group together unbelievably quickly.
The environment that lacked spirit became full of vigor, laughter, and hearty conversations. Our attachment to Gabriella and her family created the selfless and motivational atmosphere. Witnessing the pain firsthand and given the chance to bring comfort to her heart, each of us wanted to give our best effort. It was amazing how the little reminder of humanity could unite complete strangers. When I had seen how powerful emotions can be, I began to wake myself up from the emotional detachment that I had forced upon myself while trying measure up to the societal standards. With every shingle that I pulled out, I tore away the walls of stubbornness that I had built in myself. With every nail that I nailed, I embedded in my heart a new flexible net of emotions. As Gabriella's home transformed, my own body and soul transformed along with it.
That week, I explored the extremities of all emotions that I had repressed for a long time. I was overwhelmed with sadness and compassion when Gabriella spilled her heart out about her difficult financial situation and her health problems. I was driven by passion and love to complete our project with determination. I was drenched in happiness when I saw how much value I had become to Gabriella and her family at the end of the week.I opened myself to absorb all these emotions, and I let myself respond freely according to what I felt.
When I slowed down and took a step back, I realized that the path that I was walking on has many dividing forks like the branches of a tree, different decisions leading to different paths. I'm starting to set my own pace and value every decision I make no matter how much society barks at me. The society may call for rapid transitions, but I am going to slow down and let my passion drive me. I realized my true value over people's expectations, and I'm striving to live a life of my own passion.
Now when I look around me, I see a world full of love and laughter, diversity of expression, and a brighter future.
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Thank you so much for reading! any suggestions are appreciated!
Great job. I think the message is powerful and you delivered it with clarity. I especially liked the connection you drew between transforming Gabriella's house and transforming yourself and also how you began and ended your essay with "when I look around me." I have only a few, minor suggestions:
"Little was I expecting the next turn of events" sounds a little awkward to me. I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with it structurally, so I'll trust your judgment on that one.
There are some issues with verb tense. Make sure that if you are writing in the past tense that you continue to use the past tense. For example:
"I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world has laid out for me" should be "I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world had laid out for me."
In the paragraph where you describe how "the environment...became full of vigor, laughter, and hearty conversations," you might want to throw in some specifics, like a piece of a conversation that you had with someone or a joke you shared.
Also, you used the phrase "spilled her heart out" twice. It was well-placed the first time, but when you use it more than once it becomes somewhat tired and boring.
Again, great job.
