The prompt is "Why do you want to attend a service academy" and it's a prompt to get a nomination to a service academy. It has to be 250 words or less but I have 310, can someone help me cut out things that aren't necessary?
Military Freedom
Freedom is not free. As cliché as that may sound, the meaning behind those powerful words is undeniable. Attending a service academy is the ultimate beginning to my future plans of serving my country. I am ready for the challenges that academy and military life has to offer. I crave to be challenged mentally, morally and physically. In addition, I strive to uphold the highest ideals of honor, determination and selfless service. I'm intimidated by the fear of being average; in other words I'm never complacent with myself because there is always room to grow. I'm a motivated individual who is constantly on the pursuit to better myself both mentally and physically. My thirst for knowledge has led me to a service academy. The irrefutable prestige that comes with attending a service academy is a small feat compared to the sacrifice that it takes to get there. There are many factors that have influenced my desire to attend a service academy ranging from free tuition to graduating with a guaranteed job as an officer. Furthermore, service academies provide once in a life time opportunities to attain top of the line education for free while guaranteeing you with a job as an officer upon graduation. This suits me perfectly because I aspire to become an officer in the Military. Serving our country is a sacred act that isn't for the faint-hearted. I'm more than willing to put my life on the line to protect my country. Robert Greenleaf once said, "Good leaders must first become good servants." Attending a service academy will instill me to be a good follower so that I can be a good leader in the military. I have a higher calling to serve my country which has steered me towards attending a service academy to seek the mantle of leadership and success.you'd better avoid repeating one idea in various kinds of sentences, However there is no space for "in other words...." the first part of the sentence is enough.
Many parts of your response could be applied to a prompt for any college. Thus, I think you should write more about why you want to be involved in the military at all, why you feel so dedicated to your country that you would give your time, energy, and safety to protecting it.
Robert Greenleaf once said, "Good leaders must first become good servants." Attending a service academy will help me become a good servant so that I can be a good leader in the Military.
Hmmm... You don't have that many words, but you're trying to give many reasons instead of focusing on one or two important ones. Write more about the impact your JROTC experience had on you, why you want to follow in your uncle's footsteps. What did they teach you about being a leader that made you want to lead others too? Talking about what you are capable of and your full potential is too vague. Anyone can say that.
I read the first draft and now this one. It's better, more personal than the first one, but still so bland and vague!
Why do YOU want to attend a service academy? Ok, the free tuition and guaranteed job is great, but everyone wants that. Why do you want to attend a service academy and serve your country? Why serve the country?
Maybe you should talk more about your uncle and the JROTC experience. Be specific. I could have been in JROTC too. Did you start out unable to do five good pushups but your teachers pushed you to become better? Or something like that.
Also, why your uncle? I'm sure other people also have relatives in the military/navy/marines/serving the government. Did you uncle tell you stories? Was he a "cool uncle"? Was he your superhero role model when you were younger? As opposed to the firefighter, policeman, superman, etc.
Keep digging deeper for why YOU want to serve the country. Good luck!
