Hello Everyone, I am applying to transfer to UT Austin, is the word limit 250 or 500 when you submit it online at applytexas?
This is my essay, thank you so much for any feedback...
Freedom is like air, you don't know you have it until it is taken away. In 1979 my parents fled communist Vietnam in pursuit of freedom. When they came to this country with nothing more than a few articles of clothing and their children, many people came to their aid. One particular sponsor, Dr. Cook was very generous to our family. He helped my parents find a place to live and he helped my dad attend vocational school. When my mom went into labor with me, he was the first to arrive and take her to the hospital. I am inspired by the work that Dr. Cook did to help my family settle in America and thus I wish to pursue a career in social work.
Unlike my peers who got a chance to attend college after high school, my life took a different turn. My mother became disabled and was unable to take care of herself and my younger brother. My father left so I had to put my educational plans hold while I took care of them. I worked full time and had to make all the decisions for the family. I became the liaison for my mother and her doctors and social services she would need. This experience has given me firsthand experience with social work. Currently my mom has gained more independence from me and that has allowed me to focus on my studies full time.
During my time attending community college, I wanted to be involved in the community and work to bring some form of social change. I decided to write about my date rape experience to inspire other women who had also been abused to make some sense of their past. The article, "After Effects" was printed in Austin Woman Magazine in Feb, 2008. My goal was to reach as many women as I could and if just one person read my story and made some peace with what happen to them in their past, I would be satisfied.
I believe that my unique perspective as a first generation Asian American, as a caretaker for my mother and as a returning student will benefit my fellow classmates as well as contribute a different experience to our studies. In the past I have assigned myself projects and assignments to get more involved in the community and affect people's lives in a positive way. I hope to attend UT and earn a bachelor's degree in social work. Upon graduation, I will strive to help my fellow man and improve our communities.
That was very moving, even keeled, and flowed well.
I must be incredibly dense to ask this, but the first sentence is presumably referring to the unfortunate incident near the end of the story, right?
I cannot find any glaring mistakes, only the opportunity in a few parts to make great writing marginally better.
Unlike my peers who ...
It might not be your writing style, but you could make this transition more sensational.
In doing so, you could also add another dimension of unpredictability.
The way you might change the transition is contingent on when you were inspired by Dr. Cook. Did you "become" inspired by him prior in your life to this directional shift in the paper, where you subesquently refer to your mom becoming disabled, or is this a feeling of how you are inspired today? If you became inspired before, you can say that you finally/really had some purpose and motivation, but it was not to be, increasing the rhetoric sharply. If not, you can take a different angle, reminiscing on how you had come such a long way from vietnam and you were looking forward to college, then suddenly you became acquainted with another fact of life; it's unpredictability.
My goal was to reach as many women as I could and if just one person read my story and made some peace with what happened to them in their past, I would be satisfied.
Great advice from Mustafa, it's true you are a great writer!
Good luck in school.
:)
"Upon graduation, I will strive to help my fellow man and improve our communities."
I would try changing this. It sounds a little gender specific. But a very good essay!
