the privilege of freedom
The most important thing to me is freedom. I believe that everyone should have the right to choose from a variety of options but at the same time, we must not jeopardize the freedom of others. To be free means to live and earn a living as a free and honest person. To be free means to express your opinion and build your future, freedom is the ability to be true to your ideas and principles. To be free is the most wonderful thing that humanity can afford to give to you. Unfortunately, many people do not have this basic freedom. In some societies, women are children as second class citizens. They do not have the same type of freedom that men in these societies have.
Furthermore, in some places, freedom is relative to wealth or status. In these societies, the wealthy class are the only ones who have the freedom to do some things which everyone should ordinarily be allowed to do.
As someone who is highly opinionated, I have been told in the past that I should not voice these opinions for one reason or the other. I believe that everyone should be allowed to express themselves in any way as long as it does not affect the freedom of another person. I long to live in a world where everyone has this freedom because no one deserves to be second class or to be anything less than equal to other humans.
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You said freedom is important to you. That is a good topic to choose for this discussion. You listed the types of freedom that you believe in, also a good point. The problem, is that you missed the point of the personal importance of freedom to you. That is the discussion that the rest of the essay should have focused on. Why personal freedom is important to you.
You need to focus less on listing the freedoms that are important to you and more on the fact that you are a highly opinionated person who is being silenced by your country. That is where the importance of freedom should come from. In particular, you should discuss the importance of freedom of expression in a way that relates to what is happening to you as a person, as an individual, and as a person of your gender. Make the reviewer feel the importance of this freedom to you and why you should be given a chance to study at UBC because of your desire to achieve this freedom in your life.
I think your essay is quite good with interested thesis. But you should demonstrate you example such as freedom is relative to wealth or status. You did not answer the question ''Why do freedom relative to wealth or status?'' . Anyway, you build an impressive overview and good ideas.
Thank you! I will put further work into the essay
I will put your advice into consideration when rewriting the essay. Thank you!