How can I improve these two essays? Any comments and suggestions are welcome.
1.Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you? (maximum 200 words)
What would I do if today were my last day? I had never asked myself this question until my friend Shao was diagnosed with leukemia. I went to hospital to visit him as soon as I heard the bad news. In the ward, even though I was trying to comfort Shao and his family, the strong smell of bleach still made me feel hopeless. I used to believe that death was the most terrifying thing in the world, and I was so scared to think about it. Visiting Shao was the first time that I felt so close to death, I was extremely afraid that he would pass away in a couple of months. I went to visit Shao almost ever day since then. As I spent amount of time with him, I gradually realized that death will eventually come and there is no way to prevent it. The most important thing is to grasp now, cherish the time left. After then, I asked myself what if today were my last day every morning. This question warns me to take time and to live following my heart.
2. Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)
In grade 12, School Future Entrepreneur Club drew my attention and soon I participated in a business simulation competition between club members. The competition asked every team to simulate the development of a company within three weeks. Any team that could maximize profits as well as gain the most shares from judging panel would win. Apart from the overall goal of winning the contest, I intended to gain team work experience. Being responsible for the market research in the team, I urged myself to learn from the internet and extensive reading. The statistics helped me locate the profitable market and estimate how many market share we would win from judges. I have combined all the best ideas in the team; at first I could not understand why my team lost. After a serious consideration, I found that I overestimated the market value of my company and neglected the demands of customers, so the wrong analyses was a death blow to my team. The loss made me realize that the success of the whole depends on every part of it. This valuable experience drives me to improve myself and make constantly contribution to my community.
I went to hospital to visit him as soon as I heard the bad news
I rushed to the hospital to see him as I heard the bad news.In the ward, even though I was trying to comfort Shao and his family, the strong smell of bleach still made me feel hopeless. I used to believe that death was the most terrifying thing in the world, and I was so scared to think about it. Visiting Shao was the first time that I felt so close to death, I was extremely afraid that he would pass away in a couple of months.
.... I feel some of these parts are not really contributing much for your essay.
My efforts to comfort Shao and his family were just in vain. Their faces spoke nothing but hopelessness. For the first time in life I began to feel the fear of death.