Prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Current: 483 words - Goal: 450
Tears trailed down her pale, sunken cheeks as I listened to her recount the feuds with her mother and step-father, the involving physical fights, wounding words, and unforgivable actions. Once the silence surfaced, I wanted to reassure her with the same advice that I had given the week before; I wanted to tell her that things will be okay, and hearten her with some life-changing guidance. Yet sometimes, the only thing I could do was give her a place to stay, and simply listen. Throughout my life, serious predicaments have never found its way to my path. At fifteen, my greatest problems were measuring the point of contact between my tennis racket and ball, and solving Sudoku puzzles. I was blessed with a loving family, and their support provided me with a sheltered life. Perhaps the freedom between my heart and mind made it hard for me to understand why she succumbed to emotions so easily. Perplexed, I proceeded to listen. I only knew that I was her friend, and she needed my help.
The day my parents divorced, my life veered drastically. The hatred and lack of trust tore my parents apart. The home that held our bond was sold. My father moved out of the country, and my four sisters and I went our separate ways. Resentment kept us apart. Everything that my life revolved around disappeared. I often broke down from emotional ambivalence and unanswered questions. Memories of a barred, bliss ruptured the scars on my heart. In the midst of my sadness, recollections of my conversation with Jane flickered into my mind. "It's not the end of the world. I mean, this is an opportunity for you to be independent... If it's only going to bring you down, don't let it affect you..." Now, my advice sounded cliché, too simple for a life-changing matter to comprehend. Nonetheless, I saw how Jane surrendered to her emotions then, and at seventeen, I could not afford to act senselessly and ruin my future. Hence, unpaid bills meant I needed a job and personal problems were of irrelevance to my academic and professional life. It was until my parent's divorce, a turning point in my life, that I realized how much listening really helped me in return. By listening, I discovered various points of views and ideas; it broadened my insight, and promised me hope.
As a listener, < I saw the impact, I hear that, I felt, I learned>. Looking back, I am proud of my ability to hold myself together through any emotional, financial, or personal issues. Life may throw blocking boulders on my path, but it will never be enough to break my dreams. If I must stray to find another road, I will be prepared for any challenges. I know I will be fine, because along the way I have yet new people to meet and stories to hear.
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< I have always been there for my friends and have helped them through their problems that range from drugs and harsh break-ups to family problems, etc. I have learned a lot from their experience, and it has really broadened my view, and prepared me for my own problems.
At the end, however I sound like a selfish user who listens to people only to benefit from them. How can I reword the phrase to avoid presenting myself that way?
Are my ideas okay? This is a rough draft- Be as harsh as you wish
You might want to explain who Jane is a bit more clearly at the outset of the essay. The anecdote needs to be a bit more fleshed out and self-contained before you move on, though the general structure is an excellent idea.
You also have minor grammatical errors you should pay attention to. For instance "It wasn't until my parent's divorce"
Perhaps our nitpickers will show up to help you out more with this.
I firmly believe everyone should strive to be as selfish as possible, and I know at least some other forum members believe that everyone does, whether they realize it or not. That you have learned that helping others is often in your self-interest seems like a perfectly reasonable lesson to share in this sort of essay.
