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"the friendship and camaraderie" - Common Apps essay


nemrac 5 / 2  
Dec 18, 2008   #1
Hello to all, I'm new here. Happened to stumble across this site when I was looking for tips on writing my common app essay. Would like to thank the moderators of this site. Anyway, this is my essay. Any comments/criticisms would be welcome thank you so much :)

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The sun was bearing down on us as we left the bus. As usual, we were early, perhaps even earlier today. It was an important match, the one which would decide whether we went home with the championship trophy. My heart was thumping as we started our routine warm-up for the game. As I watched my teammates doing their own warm-ups, doubts and long-drawn anxieties floated around in my mind. Am I worthy to lead this team of talented individuals? Would someone else have done a better job than me? What if we lose today? If I had articulated my thoughts, I am sure everyone would have shushed me up, fearing that it would affect the team morale. However, I knew that they were all sharing the same thoughts as me. It was quieter than usual, without the usual chit chat that we were accustomed to. The air resonated with words unspoken. As the hall started to fill with supporters, both for and against us, I suddenly felt a sense of peace, peace that I could not explain. Suddenly it did not matter if we won or lost, did not matter if we took home the gold or silver medal. Back then, I thought it was because I had already resigned myself to fate and accepted that the chances of us losing were a lot higher than that of us not. I thought that it was my heart's way of steeling itself against the disappointment of a possible defeat. Upon introspect, I realize now that it was the knowledge that I had taken away so much from the season that made that final match so minute, so insignificant.

I learnt that good leaders have followers. Without followers behind him/her, the leader is merely taking a walk. I took on the role as captain this year with much apprehension as I was afraid that it would be nothing more than a "re-run" of past failures. This time, I knew that I had to bring the team together towards a common goal and nothing short of that was acceptable.

I learnt that friendships formed off-court translates to superb teamwork on court. I believe it was the trust in one another and the camaraderie that we formed during trainings that won us the match. I know that some of my closest friends will be from this team, whether next year or even ten years down the road. The experiences that we shared will tie us down together, no matter which country we are in.

I learnt that passion for the game will bring me back, regardless of where I am, how old I am, or how busy I may be. Having played for close to ten years now, I am still never tired of the game. Every time I step on court a surge of adrenaline rushes through me, I do not know if I will win the game, I do not know if I will play well. But all I know is that I love the game and I will always be back for more.

We eventually won the game, albeit at the very last second. Coming down from an 8-goal deficit to clinch the title is a memorable experience that even as I am writing this now, the joy and elation of winning the match is still fresh in my mind. The gold medal that we took home is a tribute to the hours of trainings and runs, dozens of team-talks and drills and so much more. Most importantly, it is not "National Inter-School Champions 2008" written on the medals that warms my heart, it is the friendship and camaraderie that came along with the medal that brings a smile to my face.

Thank you so much everyone
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 18, 2008   #2
Hi! Thanks for posting. We are glad to have you! You write very well, so please take some time to give feedback to a few other members.

I see no errors, but I wonder about the three paragraphs about what you learned.

Take this sentence, and make it the first sentence of paragraph 2:

Upon introspect, I realize now that it was the knowledge that I had taken away so much from the season that made that final match so minute, so insignificant.

Also, I think it is better to say "In retrospect."

We eventually won the game...

This makes that middle paragraph very long, but it is powerful. Anyway, this is just a suggestion! If you keep it this way, the paragraphs are too short. I almost want to suggest that you put those 3 things you learned on a bulleted list, but I don't know if that is right for an admissions essay. Maybe you should call admissions and ask if it is appropriate to use a bulleted list! That is a good excuse to make a nice impression over the phone...

:)

Also, I don't know if "learnt" is UK English or something... is it? I think it is supposed to be "learned."
OP nemrac 5 / 2  
Dec 18, 2008   #3
Thanks so much for your help Kevin, yes I thought that the middle paragraphs were a little short and I wasn't sure how it would tie in, think your suggestion would work so much better, thanks alot again!


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