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Fright of the unknown took over me; Admission Essay


dpmg94 2 / 3  
Dec 14, 2012   #1
2nd draft of the 500 Commonapp essay, please comment on how my sentences structure sounds and of the content itself... THANKSSSS!

Prompt: Describe a significant experience...

Having been raised in a well-to-do family, my priorities had been always related to owning material possessions, rather than excelling scholastically. I had never taken advantage of attending a school, which I now recognize, provided me with resources that would prepare for a successful future.

During my early teenage years, I was academically content with myself as long as I earned decent grades. My perspective of life drastically changed once my parents could no longer afford my education; at the school I had attended since I was in kindergarten.

Fright of the unknown took over me. Never before had I been placed in an environment, where I was unaware of whom my peers were. Would I be able to make new friends? Would I have any common interest with my new classmates? Questions like these filled me with anxiety.

My worst nightmares became a reality, once my father decided that it would be best for him to immigrate to the United States in search of a job opportunity. I felt downhearted as I watched my family break apart, the prosperous future I had envisioned for myself seemed to vanish.

As the day of having to attend my new school came, I considered myself unprepared to accept the fact that I was to be part of a community whose members' financial backgrounds differed so greatly for mine. The only encouragement I was able to obtain that moment, was the image of my mother struggling to maintain the family's business afloat. I thought to myself that if she was able to deal with demanding customers who showed no respect to her, I could endure what little pain this situation brought into my life.

Getting accustomed to classes which were solely taught in Spanish was no arduous task, and in search of a positive change I willingly decided to open myself to my classmates.

My new closest friends were not only helping me improve my Spanish grammar, but also provided me with a life lesson. That of accepting that the only thing I could actually control were my grades, and how this would be the medium through which I would prove my gratefulness towards my parent's effort.

Their enthusiasm towards life only empowered me to believe that, unknowingly, I had lived in a bubble that needed bursting.

As years went by, new self-made opportunities came. My grades had never been better, and life itself gave me the opportunity to return to the school which had seen me grow. I knew that the person returning to this environment was no longer that same girl, whose happiness relied on owning the latest technological devices, or using expensive clothing.

Living in a country like mine, and having been privileged throughout my whole life, even when the majority isn't, the pleasantries life gave me used to seem not as meaningful. It was until this transition that I became a person with drive, purposes and motivation towards the fulfillment of all my desires.
ammr993 - / 6  
Dec 14, 2012   #2
"my father decided that it would be best for him to immigrate to the United States in search of a job opportunity. I felt downhearted as I watched my family break apart, the prosperous future I had envisioned for myself seemed to vanish."

I think you should put this part after the 2nd paragraph, so the 2nd paragraph can be about the challenge and sudden change to how things were in the 1st paragraph, in addition to further emphasizing the financial difficulties by the immigration of your father. The 3rd and 5th paragraphs can focus on your personal challenge, which is the main part of the essay.

I like how the essay shows your transformation from the selfish, careless daddy's girl you were (sorry:)), to the more mature, responsible person "with drive, purposes and motivation towards the fulfillment of all my desires."

The essay runs smoothly and felt really short (which is a good thing). You used your words wisely.

differed
- from
Good luck with your writing
serdarovez 10 / 33 3  
Dec 21, 2012   #3
Great essay, but seems to be a little bit negative, and u should talk more about what impact it had on you ,
grammar parts is good

Good luck with your application.
tprincesst 1 / 3  
Dec 21, 2012   #4
"I had never taken advantage of attending a school, which I now recognize, provided me with resources that would prepare for a successful future." Your wording here is awkward. I think you could shorten it, and take out some extra words. You don't need to say "a school" . Little things like that can make your essay sound a whole lot more smooth.

"Never before had I been placed in an environment, where I was unaware of whom my peers were." Maybe you could simply say "Never before had I been placed in an unfamiliar environment." It implies you do not know anyone and lessens your word count.

"The only encouragement I was able to obtain during that moment, was the image of my mother struggling to maintain the family's business afloat." You could change it to "The only encouragement keeping me afloat was the image of my mother struggling to maintain the family business."

I like your essay. I just think there are some simple things you could reword. Less is more sometimes. Good Luck!
andrethedrumme1 - / 1  
Dec 21, 2012   #5
It sounds really good overall but there's a few minor things that could be improved. Your second sentence is worded a bit confusingly. Were you home schooled instead? It would be good to clarify this. Also the phrase, ". . . which I now recognize, provided me with resources that would prepare for a successful future" is a bit unclear if it is the home schooling or the public schooling which provided resources that would prepare for a successful career. I know what you mean, but it will sound smoother if you can word it more clearly.

I wouldn't use a comma in these two sentences unless you reword it:
"Never before had I been placed in an environment, where I was unaware of whom my peers were."
"My worst nightmares became a reality, once my father decided that it would be best for him to immigrate to the United States in search of a job opportunity."

In this sentence: "I knew that the person returning to this environment was no longer that same girl, whose happiness relied on owning the latest technological devices, or using expensive clothing" it might be better to say "wearing expensive clothing." Also consider either rewording it slightly or removing one or both of the commas.

Have a separate paragraph for the conclusion, just so it's clear to them you understand the basic essay structure

Hope this helped


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