I just wrote this a few minutes ago and I would like some HONEST feedback. I know the premise of the essay is a little bit silly and naive, but I feel that it showcases what I really like. Thanks!
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
I shift my gaze from the Frisbee to the players. The players flit around like flies. To anyone else it looks like they are running haphazardly, but I see the formation. The eyes of the Handler dart around to catch those of an open teammate. The defenders are strong; they watch his every move.
For a second, I catch a glimpse of an opening; the Handler seems to see it as well as he pivots his feet into a comfortable position. Planting his feet, he prepares the throw. He fakes a backhand, shifts to a forehand grip, and launches a commanding curve throw. It appears as though the disc is heading out of the field to the right, but the path is clear to me-the trajectory is perfect. Just as the Frisbee nears the end of its curve, it hangs to the left and arcs into the hands of the intended teammate within the end zone.
All of the players shuffle towards the end zone breathing heavily but with smiles on their faces. With a quick exchange of high fives and pats on the back, they suddenly grow serious and turn to face their opponents on the opposite side of the field. Yelling "Ultimate!" they powerfully tomahawk the Frisbee downfield. Like warriors they charge, taking their positions and yelling instructions. This is the world of Ultimate Frisbee. My world.
I would vary the sentence structure more. "I shift my gaze from the Frisbee to the players as they flit around like flies." Other than that, it's a good essay. Also, a completely unrelated note in your case, but I think someone should write an essay looking in through a window instead of out or make window an abstract concept or metaphor, like the eyes being the windows to the soul. But your essay is a strong traditional one i regards to the window with the topic being something most people don't associate with analytical skills but you pull it off nicely. Could you please read my common app revision.
Thanks for the critique. Yeah, I was thinking about doing one where I'm looking into the window because my English teacher gave me the idea, but I didn't want to take the risk of doing something that I wasn't too sure about.
i think it's a great essay! i love the detail and the strong diction. I think some sentences are a little awkward and could be worded a bit differently, but that's not a huge deal. Overall, nice job!
Could you please take a look at my supp for USD? I could use some feedback. Thank you!
i love the ending. it's very strong and powerful.
i think overall, its a very clever essay, something very creative and interestingg!
can you take a look at me "oh the places youll go" essay?? thanks!
Quick question: Does my continued use of the present tense seem a bit redundant/repetitious? I meant the essay to seem like the action is going on right there in front of me.
I like your essay especially the description, but I think you did not really tell why what you are seeing is meaningful to you.
