Prompt A: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life
Fuel for My Fire
Everyone we meet in our lives influences us in a way that we sometimes cannot clearly address or even describe. Whether it's a mailman who glints a brief smile as he drops off today's newspaper or the President of the United States giving the inauguration speech, they subconsciously become essential building blocks of shape we are in today and will be in tomorrow. However, within such pool of blocks that we are composed of this moment, there is that unique block that fuels our deepest and most profound core on everything that we do. My mother, the most significant being in my life, has been that fuel for my fire.
If I could describe my mom with one word, the first thought that fulfills the blank would be selfless. Ever since I could speak my first word, I remember her as she poured her heart onto the well-being of others no matter what. As my family migrated to the United States about seven years ago for the betterment of me and my brother's education, my mother along with my father struggled zealously to support me and my brother through school. Not only had the difficulty of adapting to foreign culture and language proved arduous to all of my family, my mother faced greatest difficulty as she wasn't exposed to English very much, if not at all. Working as a cashier in laundry center at afternoon and janitor in kindergarten school at night, she was merely granted not more than five hours to sleep. Despite her desperate need of rest, she always prepared hearty breakfast consisting of her signature Korean 'Kimchi Jjigae' (traditional Korean stew with variety of vegetables, especially kimchi, and diced selection of meat) as the main dish with slices of Fuji apple to sweeten the third sense after the meal for me and my brother. Although I would be subconsciously putting my clothes on while rubbing my eyes with countless grunting, the vibrant aroma of the meal and smile of my mom would always sparkle my inside with hunger and hope for another day.
My mother's struggle to give up her own inner desire for others didn't end merely physically: She never ceased to put all our family as her first priority even if it meant she will have to walk the extra mile. As my parents saved adequate fund to start their own business, my mom decided to open a local vegetarian restaurant called "The Veggie Garden". Although the opening seemed promising for us, the inevitable financial recession swept across the nation and finally onto our business as well. Having to dismiss the employees, our restaurant was left with solely my mother and father to withstand its roof. This substantial shortage of hand eventually led me and my brother to help out during the entire weekends. Whenever my brother and I used to confront each other about, she would calm us down that we won't have to come to work if we didn't really have our heart in our family restaurant. Although my inability to fully grasp the meaning of her words back then was excusable, my lack of realization that my absence at work meant 14 hours of physical and mental burden on her came to me as priceless debt that I must strive to repay her as well as others. Being able to recall my mother's limitless sacrifices for myself as well as others has given me a lifelong goal that I must seek to reach.
Even to this day, I find myself truly being blessed and learning from my mother through immeasurable memories that I get to share with her. As a lifelong parent, mentor, and a friend, my mother has given me the most important lesson of life: sacrifice for others. Although I might not receive the same payment from others as well, the sole purpose of paying forward as much as my mother have cherished me will be more than enough to take a leap of faith. Because at the end of the day, my heart will know that she will stand beside me.
(It was my first attempt at writing college essay and I would like to thank for any feedbacks & corrections I should make to improve the paper. It would be great help if introduction and conclusion are good enough. Again, thank you!)
I just started reading your essay and you have already lost me in the second sentence. Try reading it out-loud to yourself. For example, who is they? Read the third sentence out-loud too.
The college that your applying to will read this and say sorry kid, you didn't make it, but if your mother applied, then she would already have one letter of recomendation. Write about yourself. I know, because I am applying in Texas too.
Remember to restate your thesis at the end.
Thank you so much for the honest feedback! I do agree the intro is quite wordy and does not transition well, do you have any recommendation on which to change those to? I would really appreciate it if you can!
Also, to write about myself rather than my mother (i was bit focused on talking about her), should i simply include more insights on what i learned from her?
Yes write about what you learned from her and how you used your knowledge in some of your experiences in life.
I think this sentence should be simplified:
...become essential building blocks of shape we are in us today and will be in tomorrow. However, within such...has been that fuel for my fire.---Wow!! Very impressive. You write well...
What does this mean?---> to sweeten the third sense ...
...sparkle my inside with hunger and hope for another day.---Ha ha, I love it when I see good writing.
Be careful about the grammar here: She never ceased to put all our family as her first priority even if it meant she will would have to walk the extra mile.
It means she will...
It meant she would...
The team will win if they try.
The team would win if they tried.
As my parents saved adequate funds to start their own business, my mom decided to open ...
...my mother and father to withstand its roof sustain the operation.
Less is more:
As a lifelong parent, mentor and friend, my ...
... as much as my mother have cherished me will be more than enough to take a leap of faith.
:-)
Kevin I really appreciate your guidance and compliments!
Regarding the 'third sense', I meant to note about the third sense of the five sense we have (which are sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch). I wasn't sure if it would better to not include this insight at all or word it differently. I'm definitely open for any other options :)
My friend who helped me to look over the essay also suggested that I reword/clean up these sentences near the ending of 2nd body paragraph. However, I wasn't confident how to change them :C
"Whenever my brother and I confronted each other about working, she would calm us down by telling us that that we didn't have to come to work if we didn't really have our heart in our family restaurant . Although my inability to fully grasp the meaning of her words back then was excusable, unknowing that my absence at work meant fourteen hours of physical and mental burden on her came to me as priceless debt that I must strive to repay."
