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fulfilling life because of Color - UF essay


lizcamp 1 / -  
Oct 29, 2008   #1
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

Number 427 on deck. I walk my horse, Color, to the holding area. I watch the horse and rider complete their pattern before me, circle at the trot, canter both leads. Now it is our turn. I salute the judge and instantly I feel everyone's eyes on me and my horse. I feel no fear. My horse and I are such a close team, I can feel that he is ready too. My careful planning ahead of time leaves no doubt in my mind about what I need to do. All of my hours spent in the saddle has given me the confidence that as I finish my pattern, applause will fill the stands.

Horses and riders are teams. My success in the show ring is because of my ability to work together with my horse. Learning to work as a team with Color has led me to become part of other teams as well. My show team has become my family. I know that the more I am challenged, the harder I will work. I am never discouraged by something that seems difficult. I enjoy challenging my team mates as well as watching them succeed. My ability to work as a team will help me at UF and also for the rest of my life. I also like to help my classmates in school. I will be the first one to arrange a study group so that everyone can work together to learn the material. The result is flawless teamwork and a perfectly executed pattern.

A pattern requires a lot of planning ahead. You do not want to find yourself completing a maneuver and unprepared for the next. My life is extremely hectic but I manage to keep it all in balance. I work and go to school and I always make time to spend with my horse. This busy schedule has prepared me for the demands of college. I have become well organized and responsible.

I have been lucky enough to have a fulfilling life because of Color and all that he has taught me. This has made me want to help other people as well. I decided to make blankets for the less fortunate. Knowing that the blankets that I have created are benefiting someone else gives me a great feeling of satisfaction. Giving back to people is extremely important to me.

Patterns have taught me an incredible amount in life. I understand the true meaning of teamwork. I know how to stay organized despite many demands. I believe these qualities would make me an outstanding student at the University of Florida.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 30, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

A couple of suggestions. First "team mate" is one word: "teammate." Also, the conclusion is a little shaky. You introduce new information in it, which leaves the reader wondering if you are really finished and as such should not be introduced unless you are going to give it an appropriate paragraph of its own. Also, the sentences in this paragraph are too short, giving the essay a very choppy flow. Consider condensing or combining sentences to smooth out this flow.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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