NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
When approached with diverse ideas and beliefs, two options are present: one can either reject and condemn or listen and learn. And for as long as I can remember, I have consistently chosen the latter. Had I chosen to proceed with the former, I know that I would have been a victim of the complacent mindset so prevalent in the South and within my own family. I am now a student who has had the opportunity to travel to ten countries throughout high school, accept diverse ideas and beliefs, and form my heterogenous identity. And my diverse identity is something I truly believe will enhance the NYU community as well as learn from it.
I went abroad for the first time my freshman year of high school. My parents sent me off to Ethiopia to visit family. They kept saying the same expectations prior to my departure: "Have fun", "Relax a bit", "Take pictures with all of your family". I couldn't help but have these words reverberate in my mind, reminding myself of what I am supposed to do. However, as a result of having the tendency to go beyond the expectations of others, I did more than just relax, have fun, and take pictures. I explored Ethiopia. I learned new stories from each person I met. I learned how to appropriately dress and act in different areas. I essentially became cultured, which is probably the inadvertent goal of traveling abroad. And this tendency to go beyond and learn about contrasting beliefs has repeated itself. It has repeated itself in Australia, India, Canada, Italy, and virtually everywhere I have gone thus far and will continue to venture.
After numerous discussions with NYU alumni, plenty of research, and a lot of personal introspection, I finally found the reason I am so drawn to NYU. And the reason is this: NYU has and will continue to be the epitome of diversity on the collegial level. Being a black, gay, Muslim from the contradictory South and having traveled to various countries, I genuinely believe that I will add a fresh perspective to NYU. Furthermore, what better place to study religion than the institution that embodies religious, cultural, and artistic freedom. NYU has developed its illustrious reputation as a haven to foster the critical mind from years of excellence. And this is the haven I know I will learn and achieve the most from.
Hi Amir! I must say that I am impressed! Really good essay. I liked the way you started in the introduction with a lot of descriptions and how you continued to explore the topic of NYU's diversity.
in your second paragraph, you also showed that "you did your homework" and that you know a lot about the college. However, I would try to focus more on the What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? part of the essay. The reason NYU asks for this supplement is that it want to know why, above all reasons, people are applying to it. NYU pride itself on its diversity, and it is amazing that you can help it with that. If I were you, I would try to explore, HOW you can benefit from its diversity and how your background, ideologies, beliefs, etc will help to contribute to NYU's community. NYU wants to know how will you benefit from what it has to offer and how can you offer something special to NYU. Focus your text on these two aspects and you'll probably be good to go!
good luck! :)
Thanks so much, Charphil!
Unfortunately, I have reached my word limit of 400. So it might be difficult adding extra thoughts. However, I am trying to rework the second paragraph in order to incorporate your feedback.
Thanks again!
UPDATED ESSAY, NEED ALL CRITICAL FEEDBACK
Conclusion update : After numerous discussions with NYU alumni, plenty of research, and a lot of personal introspection, I finally found the reason I am so drawn to NYU. And the reason is this: NYU has and will continue to be the epitome of diversity on the collegial level. NYU is the only institution where I know I can add a fresh perspective as well as learn a new one every day. Furthermore, what better place to study religion than the institution that embodies religious, cultural, and artistic freedom. NYU has developed its illustrious reputation as a haven to foster the critical mind from years of excellence. And this is the haven I know I will learn and achieve the most from.
NYU would allow me to be my true, independent, and free self -- by South!
NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
When approached with diverse ideas and beliefs, two options are present: one can either reject and condemn or listen and learn. And for as long as I can remember, I've consistently chosen the latter. Had I chosen to proceed with the former, I know that I would've been a victim of the static mindset so prevalent in the South and within my own family.
I'm now a student who's had the opportunity to travel to ten countries throughout high school, learn about a wide array of communities, and form my heterogenous identity. And my heterogenous identity is something I truly believe will enhance the NYU community as well as learn from it.
My diverse identity often leaves others calling me unconventional. However, from this unconventionality, I know I can add invigoration to the NYU discussions. I will entice that student in the back to speak up and add to the discussion, because of my ability to resonate with those seemingly different from myself. Furthermore, I know I'll leave an indelible mark on NYU in its entirety. Having experiences with multiple leadership positions has aided my identity in regard to guidance, and there will be positive, efficient change in the structure of NYU. And establishing my own nonprofit is a testament to that. While these aspects of my identity where never intentionally sought for, they seem to the be inadvertent qualities accumulated through years of experience. And I cannot emphasize enough how much I'd love to add these qualities to NYU.
Fortunately, I still have so much to learn from NYU. The fact that NYU is the epitome of diversity on the collegial level draws me to it so much more. And this diversity transforms NYU's Religious Studies program into the most comprehensive program offered, anywhere. Only at NYU will I be inundated with multiple religions inside as well as outside of the classroom. Outside the classroom, in New York City, is also another fundamental quality that only NYU can offer. I can't think of any other university in which I can study my major one hour and attend my internship at Huffington Post or Goldman Sachs the next. Thus, these resources offered by NYU bring it to an unparalleled level of excellence that many universities strive for. It would not only be an honor to call myself a student but also a possibility to fully utilize my potential.
While you have a very unique background and give great details on your identity, you don't mention what *YOU* can offer NYU? Diversity? Community Service? invigorating discussions?
This prompt is more looking for students that will take advantage of NYU opportunities and make something worthwhile with them. You end with why you believe NYU is a perfect fit for you, but you must answer the second part of the prompt. What can you offer?
@fayyzeus,
I took your comments into deep consideration and turned my essay around. Please give it a read. It is due in 2 days!!!
Try to create a balance between your depiction of what you have to offer NYU and what NYU has to offer you. You speak in great detail about your ability to diversify the student community of the university and how you plan to do this but you fall short of your explanation as to how NYU can help you develop yourself both academically and socially. Remember, you need to present a reciprocating relationship with the university in order to best portray the way that you will have a well rounded and balanced learning experience at NYU. Right now, we know more about how you plan to shake things up at NYU rather than what NYU has to offer you in terms of academic and social development. That is where your essay lacks information and balance so that is where you should improve the content.
FINAL DRAFT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE IT A LOOK EVERYONE I LOVE ALL FEEDBACK!
- Combine first two paragraphs into one in order to center the balance of the content of your essay. Since your first and second paragraphs above talk about connected topics, this should only be considered a single piece of writing / paragraph.
The rest of the essay finally depicts a clear idea of what you have to offer NYU and what NYU has to offer you. So fixing the first part of the essay is the only requirement I can see having you do at the moment. When those paragraphs are combined and then added to the rest of the essay, everything should fall into place :-)
Thank you!!!
