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"a further development" - BU supplement Essay


andrew112 1 / 2  
Jan 4, 2010   #1
Please correct any grammer mistake

In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

Boston University has been my top choice of colleges. The pictures of the campuses on winter time were amazingly beautiful. What really caught my attention was a lip dub video on Youtube that virtually gives a tour inside out of Boston University. I like the liberty and liberal aspect of the student life. I explored through the BU websites and asked for any catalogues that I can possibly participated in learning more about the BU community. The more I learned about the Boston University, the more I was pulled in and trapped into a fascination and desire to be at the BU. Coming from an urban area, BU and its environment will be a perfect place for me.

Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

I often time find myself spending almost all my day outside of house. It's not because I feel lonely living by myself in a small studio, but I take a great pleasure in participating at school event, church ceremony, and a social life in interning office. At each of these places I mentioned, I employed leadership, passion, and empathy. As far as I could remember, my leadership has always been driven by other characters such as empathy with passion. I remember when I was a little kid; I was taught that if I don't attend a Sunday church sermon, I would never be redeemed by God. So what I did every single Sunday morning, I gave each of my friends a wakeup call to attend a church sermon together. I believe having these three attributes of persona would contribute to the BU community like I did bringing contribution to my church.

At a fairly young age, I used to play hide-and-seek at my dad's offices, and I realized I didn't just play around but also I observed as well in terms of how the office should be govern by a certain people like my dad in his leadership role. I subliminally picked up how a leader of a group should behave and speak, and I practice this learning by trying to mimic within my own group of friends. Ever since, I came to value a leadership as a vital personality of mine. Now in high school, I try to lead the school to a better enhancement. As an elected officer of my school and youth group, I work hard to bring the best of best and make our school reputable to our community. In order to do this, I socialize with neighbors in a gregarious and professional way as possible to represent my school. Like I said I do every work with passion. There will be no doubt that I would bring this quality to BU as an open-minded person who is excited to use my talents and be helpful to the BU community.

I intentionally enrolled in my current school, knowing that I won't be able to take any AP nor Honors classes. It's not because I don't like challenging curriculum, the curriculum is still extremely demanding though; instead I agreed with the school's "anti-tracking" mission. Working in heterogeneous group has taught me how it is important to play a vital role in the education of others and has reinforced my creed in being empathetic with others; I found that sharing solidarities with other is more conducive than taking an AP classes. I also learned something important after all, the teamwork is more beautiful when shared objective is accomplished than one striving for his success.

If I have the chance, I want to utilize these characters in the BU community and bring a further development to me and to those around me. I'd like to build teamwork with the BU community.
ashyy1992 4 / 8  
Jan 4, 2010   #2
I often time find myself spending almost all my day outside of house.Change to all to entire.

I remember when I was a little kid;Remove semicolon, add comma.

At a fairly young age, I used to play hide-and-seek at my dad's offices

office should be governedby a certain people

Ever since, I came to value a leadership as a vital personality of mine.

Now in high school <-- should be High School

This is all I have done so far, I will come back and finish up.

Please have a look at mine
diodotusX 3 / 19  
Jan 4, 2010   #3
I'm really sorry about being very harsh with this critique, but we're both seniors in high school, you can take it. I don't know if you have enough time at all to make any drastic changes, but you can quickly get all the grammatical changes of which there are many.

Content-wise, it wasn't very engaging or memorable and lacked clear focus and organization. You need concrete details and examples! Sentence structure was also repetitive and didn't sound very confident.

Again, I'm very sorry about being too harsh, but I think should be said. Anyway, you have SOME time left. A little less than an hour. Godspeed. Unless you've already submitted. In that case, good luck.


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