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I need to go further in my efforts. Common application essay for Transfer 2017 Fall

zy19076 1 / 3  
Dec 31, 2016   #1
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)

my efforts to be a citizen of the world

I am seeking to transfer because I have come to the decision that I need to go further in my efforts to be a citizen of the world. I chose to attend a Western-style English-speaking university within China for an undergraduate degree as closely related to politics and government as possible. However, I would like to go further in order to maximize my ability to work in an international English-speaking environment and to challenge myself academically.

When I chose my undergraduate university, I chose the University of Nottingham Ningbo China (UNNC), where the classes are taught in English and graded to the same standard as those at the University of Nottingham, one of the top universities in the UK. I made this choice because I wanted to be exposed to an international English-speaking environment and to western and international thought on politics and government. I chose International Studies because it was the course that contained the most modules on history, politics, government, and economics. I had specialized in humanities rather than science subjects at high school and this course was the most suited to my interest in politics and government.

However, the opportunities to immerse myself in an English-speaking environment are not quite comparable to those that I could find abroad. The level of English of many students is sufficient to follow classes but not to communicate in English all the time without effort. Hence students communicate in Chinese outside class. My English and my intercultural skills would develop to a more advanced level if I were studying predominantly with native English-speaking students.

Furthermore, from an academic point of view, transferring to the US would bring two major advantages. First, I will simply be able to take a greater number of and more diverse courses. At UNNC we can take three 20-credit courses per semester, which in my view is not sufficient and we don't have enough optional modules to choose from in UNNC. Second, although the UNNC International Studies is an interdisciplinary program, it is still not quite comparable to a US liberal arts education, which will enable me to study a wide number of subjects (such as natural science, social science, arts, etc.) before specializing. The motivation to acquire this liberal arts education also inspired my decision to apply to several colleges that are known to be strong across the social sciences.

On whichever undergraduate course, I study in the US, I will be pursuing my interest in politics and government to prepare myself for my future career. It is possible that I will continue to postgraduate study and embark upon a path in academia toward becoming a professor. Another alternative that many political science students follow is to take the LSAT and attend law school, and I would be open to that. A final choice would be to return to China and seek opportunities in, for example, the foreign ministry, although this is more difficult because the requirements favor students who have been educated in China.

In conclusion, transferring to the US to an institution that is strong across the whole portfolio of social science subjects will enable me to challenge myself academically, acquire a rounded education in each of the disciplines that is relevant to politics and government, and develop my English and intercultural skills as far as I possibly can. It will challenge me to become the best self that I can be and position me to pursue my passion for politics and government in my future career.

Can anyone have a look at it and give some suggestions?
Thanks a lot!!!

I'm a sophomore student in University of Nottingham Ningbo China (an overseas campus of the University of Nottingham in the UK) and I have an intention of transferring to universities in the U.S.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,000 3875  
Dec 31, 2016   #2
Zhang, there is a clear redundancy in the first and second paragraphs. The information you provide are mere repetitions and continuations of the first discussion. I would like to see you combine the first two paragraphs in order to create one solid flow of thought in your opening statement. Accomplishing that will show that you have a clear number of reasons for wishing to transfer, instead of coming across as a student who is unclear about his reasons for transfer, which is the image the current essay portrays due to the redundancies. A person who is unsure of what he wishes to say tends to keep repeating his statements in an essay so you have to avoid that pitfall. Aside from that observation, I do not believe that the essay itself requires much work. The presentation is tight and informative. It gives the reviewer room to consider your reasons for transfer, which are quite strong and highly uncommon as given reasons.
OP zy19076 1 / 3  
Jan 1, 2017   #3
Dear Holt,
Thanks a lot for your suggestions!
Actually, I think my essay is kind of boring because it just lists the reasons of transfer and the objectives I want to achieve in the future one by one. According to the Transfer Book, it suggests that it's better to start with a story and relate it to my interests in political science. Then, I should talk about the goals and reasons of transfer. Do you think this format is necessary and better?

Thanks again for your help!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,000 3875  
Jan 1, 2017   #4
It all depends upon the word allowance that you are given for the essay Zhang. If you have a word limited essay, it is always best to direct the reviewer to the relevant response as soon as you can. If you have no word count limitation, then you can go ahead and start with a story. If your word maximum is around 750 - 1000 words, then you can use the anecdote method. If you can only write up to 250 or 650 words, get to the point as soon as you can. In this instance, it is best if you just discuss the points of relevance immediately. My advice in thread # 2 should help you to better deliver a relevant essay to the reviewer. All reviewers prefer to read the essay of students whose words represent short, but informative essays. It saves them time and allows them to complete other tasks related to their duties.
OP zy19076 1 / 3  
Jan 2, 2017   #5
Thanks a lot.
But actually, I think the essay should be interesting (now it's too boring). In this case, I think I should talk about who I am and try to relate to the reasons for transfer and objectives I want to achieve. Do you think this is necessary?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,000 3875  
Jan 2, 2017   #6
The funny thing is, I reviewed your essay upon reading your message and I totally got the sense, the feeling, that you have already responded to the prompt in the manner that you think is currently boring. Maybe it is is because you are too concerned and involved with the essay development? Sometimes, it takes the eyes of a different person to review the essay in order to let you know that you did a good job on it. I don't think that you need to adjust the essay to better reflect your reasons for transferring. It is very clear in the essay, as far as my opinion is concerned. That is why I do not think that you will need to relate any more reasons as to why you want to transfer and what you want to achieve. Unless of course, the information you currently have in the essay is not yet complete. In which case, you should go ahead and complete the essay in the manner that you know will satisfy your personal requirements.
OP zy19076 1 / 3  
Jan 5, 2017   #7
Thanks for your help!

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