Hello everyone, I just wanted to post the two shorts essays I wrote and would like some feedback.
First prompt is asking for a 300 words or less on where I discuss my academic interests and/or professional goals.
In the world of today, it is vital for the younger generation to be concerned with and deeply involved in their future. The economic crisis, and people like Bernie Madoff, will eventually affect us and our children, and it is important to be knowledgeable and proactive about it. By finding a niche in the economic field, corrupt governments and economic crises can be combated. It is an active role to play while trying to restore a stable economy. The world of finance is fascinating because of how many different levels it has, and how wide-reaching it is. Every single person has to deal with money, whether losing it, receiving it, or giving it away. To be able to put myself in situations where I can help monitor and benefit people's lives forever would be meaningful and a huge accomplishment. I have always felt that people like accountants and stockbrokers, though sometimes seeming dry, often do the most to help others prepare for dealing with economic issues. I am passionate about pursuing the world of finance and business, knowing that my hard work will undoubtedly help those who need it. The multi-faceted approach to finance is one that I find will be perfect for me.
Second is to choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project and explain how I initially chose it, why I continued with it, and how I benefited from it.
When I think about community service, the feelings I recall are pleasant, yet unexpected. I was fortunate enough to get the chance to work for my mother helping transport the elderly in a nursing home. Going into the experience, I honestly expected boredom and cranky, lonely grandparents. Coming out of it, though, I found myself with a newly gained insight and knowledge I never expected. Truthfully, I was landed with the job on complete accident. An employee scheduled to work for my mom had an emergency, and thus could not come in for the job. Because it happened last minute, and I was looking at a work-free summer, I was recruited. Initially, I was only asked to stay a couple weeks. Soon, though, I found myself eagerly going to work and looking forward to my next day. I learned vast amounts of information I knew I definitely could not learn in school. I continued on, taking the official shift of the employee who couldn't make it. The people I helped told me stories of their youth and teenage years, of life lessons they learned, and provided advice for my future. I was able to bridge the gap between generations I had thought previously impossible. It was fascinating and intriguing, and I knew it would have a lasting effect on me. I think back and reflect, to the quarterback who was now in a wheelchair, to the class valedictorian who now could barely recognize her family, and wonder what could be done. I want to be able to help more as I grow, regardless of the career I choose. I know for a fact that I will incorporate my time with the elderly into my future, and hope that I can help as much as possible.
In the world of today, it is ... restore a stable economy.The world of finance is fascinating because of how many different levels it has, and how wide-reaching it is.
^What do you mean by this?
To be able to put myself in situations where I can help monitor and benefit people's lives forever would be meaningful and a huge accomplishment.
^Why and how?
I have always felt that people like accountants and stockbrokers, though sometimes seeming dry, often do the most to help others prepare for dealing with economic issues.
^How are these people dry? How are people even moist for that matter?
The multi-faceted approach to finance is one that I find will be perfect for me.
^Why, and how, perfect?
Your essay is weak. You are in some way discussing your professional goals, but not in a way that shows that you clearly know what they are and what it means to you. I would have also assumed that with this kind of an essay prompt, you would want to link how the Univeristy of Illinois can help you with your professional goals
Your first essay sounds like you threw it together with a view to showing that you read newspapers. I don't think it actually was, mind you. I suspect that it's just a stylistic problem. If you are passionate about economics, write in a way that demonstrates that passion. Stronger verbs and more concise sentences would be a good start, in that regard.
Your second essay likewise needs to use stronger verbs, more concise writing, and varied sentence structures. Also, when you say things such as
Truthfully,
I immediately assume that I have been or am about to be lied to, probably both. Avoid using such tags in your writing.
In the world of today, it is vital
This makes me want to stop reading right there: (1) Unless there is some reason we would expect you to be writing futuristic fiction or a treatise on history, we know that you are writing about right now and this world; (2) "it is vital" is a passive construction.
You go on in this vein:
it is vital
it is important
it is an active
finance is fascinating
Assuming that your aim is not to put the admissions officers to sleep, you will need to revise this. You've got just a few words. Don't blather on about the world in general or Bernie Madoff in particular. Answer the question!
For your second essay, I'd also like to see you be more direct. The first sentence is silly. Just tell us what you did, you chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
I edited both of them, tell me what you think. Thanks!
First prompt is asking for a 300 words or less on where I discuss my academic interests and/or professional goals.
1] John has just lost his job, his house, and nearly everything in his life that he holds dear. The economy has failed him but the young generation of today has the power to change the outlook on his future. People will always cheat, which affects not only us, but generations in the future. It is important to be knowledgeable and proactive about ways to prevent it, especially from an economical standpoint. By finding a niche in the economic field, corrupt governments and economic crises can be combated. It is our responsibility to try whatever we can to restore a stable economy on a personal level. The world of finance is fascinating because of how many different levels it has. Every single person is affected by money, whether losing it, receiving it, or giving it away. To be able to put myself in situations where I can help monitor and benefit people's lives forever would be meaningful and a huge accomplishment. Not everyone has the capability or time to manage their money, which is why I have always felt that people like accountants and stockbrokers often do the most to help others prepare for dealing with economic issues. I am passionate about pursuing the world of finance and business, knowing that my hard work will undoubtedly help those who need it. The multi-faceted approach to finance is one that I find will be ideal for me, with my interest in mathematics and the desire to help others.
Second is to choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project and explain how I initially chose it, why I continued with it, and how I benefited from it.
2] I had the privilege and was fortunate enough to get the chance to work for my mother by helping transport the elderly in a physical therapy rehabilitation center. Going into the experience, I expected boredom and cranky, lonely grandparents. Coming out of it, though, I found myself with a newly gained insight and knowledge I never expected. This job was obtained because of an accident when an employee scheduled to work for my mom had an emergency, and thus could not come in for the job. Because it happened last minute, and I was looking at a work-free summer, I was recruited. Soon, I found myself eagerly going to work, anticipating the days ahead. I learned vast amounts of information I knew I definitely could not learn in school. The people I helped told me stories of their youth and teenage years, of life lessons they learned, and provided advice for my future-one told me hard work always pays off. I was able to bridge the gap between generations I had thought previously impossible. It was fascinating and a whole new environment which I was never exposed to. To this day I think about the privileges I take for granted such as walking, or going to the restroom on my own. I think back and reflect to the quarterback who was now in a wheelchair, to the class valedictorian who now could barely recognize her family, and wonder what could be done. Not only was I able to absorb their stories and challenges, but I was able to learn patience and understanding as well. I want to be able to help more as I grow, regardless of the career I choose. I know for a fact that I will incorporate my time with the elderly into my future, and will help as much as possible.
These are stronger. You could make them even better if you tried replacing some of the weak verbs you use with stronger ones. You still have a tendency in sections to rely too much on "was" and other forms of "to be."
Also, the notion of cheating comes up a bit too abruptly in your first essay now, as you do not make it clear how John losing his house connects to cheating. Did John get cheated? Did he try to cheat someone? Are you blaming the economic downturn itself of cheating? You meaning is unclear.
