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My future goals - what to do in the future is a decision for the rest of our life


federica15 1 / 2  
Apr 15, 2015   #1
Hello, my name is Federica, I'm from Argentina, and I'll take the toefl exam in the next months.This is my first essay, I would appreciate any comments or corrections.

Thanks!

Instructions: What are your goals for the future? Write your reasons, examples and details.

Deciding what to do in the future is sometimes a difficult thing to do, considering that is probably what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life. I think people need to take time to think deeply which are their goals for the future. When I finished college, which was three months ago, I felt a little lost. I did not know where to start working, or just what to do. So I did not rush, and I took time to find myself and think what I really wanted for the future.

...

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 15, 2015   #2
Hi Federica, I think you do not need to present in-depth discussion here. Save it for the bodies. Let me give a try for the intro;

What are your goals for the future? Write your reasons, examples and details.

It may be useful at some time to think about what the future holds. For some teenagers, creating their future with ambitious goals is a must. As I grew and time run, I have started to think about my life in the future as a lifelong learner, traveler, and a family-oriented woman.

It is an introduction with a hook, background information and a thesis statement. Always remember to write a clear thesis statement here as your stepping stone to talk later. Then, write the following paragraph with a topic sentence and an example. I think three to four sentences each is precise enough to discuss your views; a lifelong learner, traveler, and a family-oriented woman

Thanks,
eddy suaib
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Apr 15, 2015   #3
1) Just correct the second sentence by deleting, which are, and changing to about. When you say you didn't know where to work, I am thinking you have many job offers. However, I think you mean that you didn't know whether to start working. If this is correct, change the word where to whether. This shows that you were undecided or didn't know what to do. The last sentence I want you to put the word about after think.

2) Instead of describing traveling as tools for life you could say life skills. Also, you can use a transition word such as However or Yet when referring to your desire to keep studying. For example: However, I want to keep pursuing my education. Change the word Psychologist to psychologist. I am able to understand your writing, but I am confused about what you want to study. Human resources and psychology are different fields at a university. Here is what I feel you are trying to tell the reader:

I am a psychologist, but I am interested in human resources. I am interested in a master's program called, "work and organizational psychology". If this is not true, then you should change this so the reader can understand your plans for the future.

3) I think you should change the sentence about your boyfriend. How do you want to work together with him? I think this may not belong or fit with this sentence. Let me give you an example to help you. Ex: When I am ready to settle down, my future goal is to marry my boyfriend, buy a home, and have children. Often in English, we use ready to settle down because we are referring to being in a committed relationship and sharing our life with someone. You were almost correct in trying to explain this.

4) You are almost correct in this last sentence. You want to express that "there is no recipe for happiness".

*I feel the biggest correction you can make to your paper is to make a paragraph with these three goals. The paragraph should start with, "I have three goals for the future." Then the next sentence you should discuss wanting to travel to another country. The paragraph should end with the last sentence at the end of this essay. This would change your paper from a few paragraphs to only two paragraphs. The reader will be able to follow your thoughts better because it will be more organized.
OP federica15 1 / 2  
Apr 16, 2015   #4
thank you so much for your responses. They were very usefull !!
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Apr 16, 2015   #5
Hello, my name is Federica, I'm from Argentina, and I'll take the toefl exam in the next months.This is my first essay, I would appreciate any comments or corrections.

Thanks!

Instructions: What are your goals for the future? Write your reasons, examples and details.

Deciding what to do in the future, is sometimes a difficult thing to do.. That is, considering that is probably what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life. I think people need to take time to think deeply about what are their goals for the future. When I finished college, which was three months ago, I felt a little lost; I did not know where to start working, or just what to do. So I did not rush, and took time to find myself and think what I really wanted for the future.

One thing that I certainly want to do is travel to another country. This is a good way to grow, and learn about different matters. I feel that traveling gives you tools for life. You get to know a lot of people, different cultures, which might give you some ideas to apply to your own life.

Another thing that I want to do is keep studying. I am interested in human resources. As a Psychologist, there are many specializations in this topic that I like. For instance, there is a master called "Work and Organizational Psychology", in the same university where I got my degree. This lasts two years, and is very complete. So, this is one strong option for me to choose.

Finally, family is a very important goal for my future. I want to marry my boyfriend, work together and get a house or an apartment. Later we could have children, when we are ready, and settle down.

I believe happiness has no recipe, but for now, I think these three goals are the most important for me to achieve. They might change in the future, but I will think it over when the time approaches.

@ federica15

I think for a first essay, this is a winner! You express yourself very well, and seam to have a good vocabulary. However, I recommend that you do not use overly lengthy sentences. Separate them into shorter sentences. The same with phrases; separate them with commas. Both of these techniques help the reader to have a better flow, and to breath easier.

You seem to have fairly definite plans for your life, and they are admirable. I think you communicate them well, but should look for other ways to start a sentences, other that "I". This would give you sentence variety which they look for.

You could expand a bit too on some topics: for example: what ideas would traveling give you, which you could apply to your own life, what specific tools; language, culture comparison, living on your own?

Also, in the introduction, you should end it by mentioning the three goals. This way you set up the essay form: one paragraph to intro, three examples in a paragraph of their own, and a conclusion.

All in all though, this reads well.

Good luck!

ef_carol
OP federica15 1 / 2  
Apr 17, 2015   #6
I am very grateful. Thank you for your coments!!


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