Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.
People are the products of their environments. The figurative pair of eyes a person has develops their character and the way they understand the world around them. Understanding personal perspective provides the foundation for any successful relationship.
The lenses I carry with me were largely provided by the place that has raised me. Beloit is a city of 37,000 with both big problems and big hearts. Issues that arise here are more typical of larger cities. Despite this, readily available are many of the qualities small Midwestern towns provide. These conflicting attributes have offered me a unique perspective of the world. I love this place and work every day to make it better.
While I am very active politically I have a greater appreciation for general participation than I do static sympathy for my causes. I admire action over apathy. Though I will rarely tune into the words of Bill O'Reilly, having a roommate with a conservative perspective would no doubt provide for engaging discussions.
To some, music provides a means of connection. I value any music that isn't negative in nature. If I really feel for a song I may be inclined to sing it, but I always do my best to care for the ears of others.
I find greater happiness in doing things than watching them get done. In situations I feel unproductive I make every effort to reposition myself in a way that I can make a difference. As part of my perspective I am very outgoing in accomplishing my goals.
I imagine we would all be better off if we could briefly see the world through someone else's eyes. The whole of my perspective has been shaped in various ways, most importantly by a city of contradictions. Knowing this, paired with innate aspects of who I am, should enable anyone to understand me better.
To start off, I really liked your essay but you can tweak it in a couple of places.
My friend also wrote this essay, so it's nice to compare the two and give you feedback based on her approach.
1st para: Since this is like a letter to your fantasy roomate, perhaps you can start with a letter form. It doesn't have to be the overused "Dear" but something creative. The figurative pair of eyes a person has develops their character and the way they understand the world around them. How are our eyes figurative? Perhaps you can use an analogy? The next sentence is a generalization, so you should replace "any" with "most".
2: The lenses I carry with me were largely provided by the place that has raised me .I see what your trying to do but I think you should make an extended analogy from the introduction, because in reality the lenses of your eyes are not "provided", if you know what I mean. Beloit is a city of 37,000 with both big problems and big hearts. Issues that arise here are more typical of larger cities. Despite this, many arereadily available ( conflicts shouldn't be described as "readily available") of the qualities small Midwestern towns provide. These conflicting attributes have offered me a unique perspective of the world. I love this place and work every day to make it better. Re-word this by using a cummulative sentence.
3: Create more of a transition here. While I am very active politically I have a greater appreciation for general participation than I do static sympathy for my causes. Should be re-worded ot something like "I am politically active, and I have ..." The "static sympathy" part doesn't really make sense. Though I will rarely tune into the words of Bill O'Reilly, having a roommate with a conservative perspective wouldwill withoutno doubt provide for engaging discussions.
4: Work on transition here as well... To some, music provides a means of connection. I value any music that isn't negative in nature . I think you need more clarity here. If I really feel for a song Clarity again. I may be inclined to sing it, but I always do my best to care for the ears of others. This adds a nice, humorous touch :-).
5: Transition. I find greater happiness in doing things than watching them get done. In situations I when feel unproductive I make every effort to reposition myself in a way that I can make a difference. As part of my perspective I am very outgoing in accomplishing my goals. You "tell" here, try to "show" it using language and examples and experiences.
6: The conclusion is sort of bland. You can add on more and perhaps end with a funny twist or finish an extended analogy.
Over all, I like it! :)
