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Galaxies and Stars - BC essay. your career and academic goals.


newsha31 19 / 75  
Apr 27, 2009   #1
so maybe some of you remember this, but this is not the exact same essay, i changed some stuff so it would match the new subject. this essay was written for the subject "an influential experience". but the problem is that i think although i changed it a little bit but still some stuff dont match...

thats why i need your help :)
i'll truly appreciate it...

In Love of Sky, Galaxies, Stars



Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the sky. The world behind the blue has always been a mystery; something both unknown and admirable. I had so much thirst for something new and untouched; I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, leave earth, experience new things, risk and discover. Well, unfortunately, it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so, not necessarily. Actually, it is all here on earth. It has always been.

When I was born my parents named me Newsha -meaning "a good listener" in Persian- and 13 years later, in middle school, I realized there was a gift given to me wrapped in my name: "It seemed like I really was a good listener." Soon I found myself listening to people who didn't have anyone but me to listen to them, and helping them as much as I could. I heard about other sides of people; the side that was always hidden to others because of either shyness or shame. I found a great joy in helping each of them, feeling more happiness than they would as I saw them succeed.

I started to discover people instead of the world by looking into the corners of their minds. I saw the world through their eyes, helped them find what they needed and in the process of doing so, I myself found a whole new world inside each person, a world much greater than the earth and the skies. After all, now that four years is passed, when I think of what I truly want to do for the rest of my life, nothing but one answer pops in my mind: "helping and discovering people".

Although, I have to confess that I still love the sky. After all this time, sky is still gorgeous and mysterious, but I don't think I would want to leave earth anymore, not as long as there are still people out there, millions of them; people that I can love, people that I can help, and people that I can be friends with. I think it will be a shame if I never dare to go out, find them and hold their hands.

I would like to stay on earth with people and their unique worlds.
Galaxies and stars? They will always have time for me.
EF_Team [Moderator] 41 / 222 15  
Apr 27, 2009   #2
i changed some stuff so it would match the new subject.

It's still the same subject; was moved to the original thread:
OP newsha31 19 / 75  
Apr 27, 2009   #3
no its not kevin. it looks like that one, but i've deleted some parts and added a few lines. i want to know if that has helped getting closed to the new subject. thats what this whole threat is about. this is not the UW essay anymore.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 29, 2009   #4
Hey, I think this sentence does not need the "unfortunately": Well, unfortunately it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so -- not necessarily.

How about like that? Sounds more positive.

Now, when I read that first paragraph it makes me think, "Hey, this is supposed to be about career goals!" I think it's important to write a new first paragraph. You can still use the great content in this essay, but it is important for the first para to answer the prompt question.

Wow, I like every sentence in this whole essay; that is what I thought the first time I read it, too. BUT, what about your intended major, intended job, etc.?


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