This is the 2nd essay question for johns hopkins supplement. All suggestions are appreciated. Thanks in advance!
A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins? (250 words)
The kidney and the liver. Most people are essentially ignorant to the vitality of these two organs, which serve to protect the body from and fight off diseases. Just as they are important to the body, playing chess and the piano are important to my life. They are the two things I couldn't live without and are essentially a large part of who I am today.
The game of chess has taught me the importance of patience, focus and analytical thinking- qualities vital for development in a college atmosphere. As the National Under 18 Chess Champion in my country, I am fairly versed at the game and would be able to make a great contribution to John Hopkins' Chess Club and to the school's larger community.
The piano too has greatly influenced my life. The intricate sounds produced by the different keys; the ability to combine them to create a concordant melody just captivates me. Playing allows me to take a breather from the stresses of life and just relax, something Im sure will help me in my life at college.
Having started back swimming and waterpolo recently, I plan to join these clubs at John's Hopkins and maybe swim alongside the likes of JHU's Anthony Lordi or attempt to block the shots of prestigious Alex Whittman in the Newton White Athletic Center.
Finally, I would participate in the volunteering program. For me, nothing beats the heartfelt satisfaction of knowing I've made a difference in the life of someone else. A smile on his/her face? Priceless.
The last paragraph has a grammatical error and the ending is a little iffy, but overall good job. As for the mistake, "swimming back" doesn't make much sense. Try and create a better parallel between body parts and your hobbies; it seems like you completely abandon the metaphor in later paragraphs.
yeah i agree with Phil, another thing, you might want to say what type of volunteering program it is. to make it less vague and less cliche because " a smile on his or her face-priceless " is a cliche
The essay sounds pretty good! I just have a problem with the part about volunteering. If you have enough room to elaborate on it even a little, then go for it, but otherwise, I would just eliminate the part about volunteering and focus on the other extracurriculars.
