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Game + Golden Advertisement + Curriculum - Notre Dame


Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
1. The Grotto is a cherished destination on Notre Dame's campus, a space that invites students and visitors to pray and take time for reflection. Do you have a place that you seek out, and what do you contemplate there?

The sound of pounding feet, ragged breathing, hammering hearts, and balls whistling through the air remind me that I am home. Green clay and the distinctive sounds of an ongoing tennis match are my solace, providing me with an arena to vent my clouded thoughts. My opponent serves. "Don't miss the ball" my mind shrieks at me. I am running. "How will traffic be on the way home?" The ball bounces. Pop. My racquet connects with the ball, sending the it and my mind soaring into another stream of conscience. "I wonder how I did on that AP Statistics test today." Slice. "What will I eat for dinner?" Lob. "Why does Macbeth slaughter Macduff?" Forty. "Why do people say one thing then do the opposite?" Deuce. "I wonder what new features Apple will incorporate in the Iphone 5?" Advantage. Another serve, another return, another thought reverberates through my mind. I am done contemplating for today, my head is clear, and I am completely relaxed. Game.

I like how you let the reader into this comfort zone of yours. It is personal but i don't feel intrusive. Great job.

2. What is one small detail in the world that you notice and wish others did, too?
This is quite long so and it is only supposed to be around 150 words so can someone help me shorten it please.


After the previews have begun, I make my way into the crowded movie theatre, a slushy in one hand, and a small bag of popcorn in the other. Battling through the mass of legs to the only vacant seat, I finally get situated. Believing the hard part is over, I go to place my drink in the cup holder only to realize they are both taken. Now I have two options, holding my drink for the next one hundred minutes or asking one of the strangers next to me to switch cup holders. Just as I go to ask, I wonder, which arm rest is mine? Being right handed, I would assume that the right arm rest is mine, but that logic fails if the person next to me is left handed. Should I look to the end of the row to see what arm rest they have chosen? All of these are valid questions that one would think unnecessary in an industry that makes over ten billion dollars a year, and yet, I may be stuck holding my slushy for the next one hundred minutes. I wonder if after the "turn off your cell phone" warning and the "silence is golden" advertisement, if they should also add an answer to which arm rest belongs to whom.

Kind of stuck and don't know what to talk about. Should I say more about the course and what it would entail or say why I should be the instructor? Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading my essays. If you comment and leave ideas I will return the favor.
alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
I love the second one but it is far too long. Try tightening you words to shorten and try shorter sentence structures. Maybe shorten your introduction and just jump right into what you wish others would notice.

I like the personification in the first one about your mind shrieking and I can't wait give much advise on the last one it is really your call. Maybe talk about why you should be the instructor and then end with discussing why you want to teach the course.
MSL123 4 / 11  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Ideas for numero 3)

Talk about how societal values regarding ownership of knowledge have changed in America over time and relative to other countries. Essentially the "so what?' of the course you propose is that we don't value ownership any more in America. In some arab countries until the last centuries it was sometimes tradition to cut off the hands of those who stole even if it was only pocket-picking and petty crime. This is a great detail you could use for a more interesting course description, and really illustrates how cultural values are a factor.

IMO techonology is a big factor. Because communications and 21rst century developments have made it easier for people to spread info and ideas, we place less ownership value on the originator.

You could possibly mention this as one of the things you explore in your class.

Hope that helped!
simardownn - / 20  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
The first is spot on. I could hear you thinking.

...that makes over thenthan billion dollars a year

When Limewire, Frostwire, and youtube to mp3 converters became widely known across the internet. Sentence Fragment

For the third one, I think it would be more creative to talk about what the course is about, along with what you would as an instructor.
mh00912 - / 1  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
1. The Grotto is a cherished destination on Notre Dame's campus, a space that invites students and visitors to pray and take time for reflection. Do you have a place that you seek out, and what do you contemplate there?

I like how you let the reader into this comfort zone of yours. It is personal but i don't feel intrusive. Great job.

2. What is one small detail in the world that you notice and wish others did, too?
This is quite long so and it is only supposed to be around 150 words so can someone help me shorten it please.


... small bag of popcorn in the other hand . Battling through the mass of legs to the only vacant seat, i finally get situated.Believing the hard part is over, I go to place my drink in the cup holder only to realize they are both taken. Oh no, now I have two options, I canholding my drink for the next one hundred minutes or asking one of the strangers next to me to switch cup holders. Just as I go to ask, I wonder, at a movie theater,(we already know you're at a movie theatre so you don't necessarily need that) which arm rest is mine? Being right handed, I would automatically assume that the right arm rest is, but that logic fails if the person next to me is left handed. Thinking harder, I wonder if there is some perfect formula that would always prevent this kind of situation from happening.I don't think this sentence is critical especially if you're trying to cut down the wordcount.

... I may be stuck holding my slushy for the next one hundred minutes. After five more minutes of pondering, my neighbor to the right offers to move his drink and my problem is solve. Even though I do not have to hold my drink to the entirety of the film, I wonder if maybe after the "turn off your cell phone" warning and the "silence is golden" advertisement, if maybe they should also add anclear answer to which arm rest belongs to whom.

For the last one i would definitely talk more about the course itself. You probably don't want to potentially end up sounding like "I would love to teach this course because stealing is fun and interesting to me." :P But if you continue to talk about the coursework you could go more into the history of stealing (biggest heists and things) and how technology has changed theft. Is it safer to keep your money in cash in a safe or in a bank and why? Just food for thought!

Hope this helps.
OP Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
Edits for Essay #2 but it is still too long please help me narrow it down and take out the unnecessary parts.
OP Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
please help with more revisions on the second essay.
alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
1st Essay
"Don't miss the ball" my mind shrieks at me

"How will traffic be on the way home?" The ball bounces.
Sounds strange maybe--will there be traffic on the way home?

2nd Essay
After the previews have begun, (I don't think this line is needed)

that one would think unnecessary in an industry that makes over ten billion dollars a year, (I don't think this line is needed either)

also answer (change to say should state which arm rest...)

3rd Essay
in recent years; piracy
Stealing has evolved from elaborately planned heist to becoming a daily occurrencesfor some.

Art --art heist
This course covers the famous Art heist such asof the Mona Lisa and The Scream,as well asto the history of pirates from Captain Hook to Thomas Tew.

to this level? --might want to reword to make the ending more powerful
OP Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 31, 2010   #11
edits on short essay # 2

Battling through the mass of legs to the only vacant seat, I finally get situated. Believing the hard part is over, I go to place my slushy in the cup holder only to realize they are both taken. Now I have two options, hold my drink for the next one hundred minutes or ask the strangers beside me to switch cup holders. Just as I go to ask, I wonder, which arm rest is mine? Being right handed, I would assume that the right arm rest is mine, but that logic fails if the person next to me is left handed. Should I look to the end of the row to see what arm rest they have chosen? All of these are valid questions that one would think unnecessary in an industry that makes over ten billion dollars a year, and yet, I may be stuck holding my slushy for the next one hundred minutes. I wonder if after the "turn off your cell phone" warning and the "silence is golden" advertisement, the theatre should state, which arm rest belongs to whom.

Can someone please help me condense essay #3 because I have 190 words.
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 31, 2010   #12
When someone mentions piracy, my thoughts...

really great! i wouldnt take out anything but if you're concerned about word limit maybe change a few things:
in recent years: recently
music laundering is a fine and maybe jail time: take off and maybe jail time, and make it "music laundering is a mere fine."


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