Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 9


'The Game' - JHU essay; Undecided


JHUDreamer 1 / 3  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
Feel free to tear it apart. My dream is Johns Hopkins and I really want to get in.
The question was: Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I still remember the day I chose to apply to college as an undecided student. It was an unexpectedly warm August night, and I was attending a family reunion at my aunt's house. After greeting everyone, I took a seat in the back of the room and quietly observed the interactions of my extended family.

I was amused to see my aunts, uncles, and parents gathered around a large table in the center of the room, while their children watched from the outskirts. The conversation began slowly with small talk, compliments, and inquiries. However, the conversation proceeded to what my cousins and I loving call, "The Game."

"The Game" is played at every family gathering. It had no rules, and the only purpose is to impress the people in front of you. Unfortunately, our parents have been known to use us-their children-as their tools for mass impression. At the last game, my aunt won. My father and mother will begrudgingly note that my cousin's graduation from college was more impressive than anything in their arsenal.

However, it was at this game that I realized how little control I really had over my life. My parents were living vicariously through me and for years, they'd planned every step I'd take during and after high school. It was on that day, sitting quietly in the corner, that I realized how little I knew about myself. For so long, I'd mastered being the perfect child, and it was through that disguise that I lost valuable time-time to find myself and discover my true potential.

I plan on using my time at Johns Hopkins University to find myself. Where my parents were convinced that I would make a great lawyer, I see myself pursuing chemistry, physics, or maybe political science. From all the colleges that I've seen, Johns Hopkins is the most flexible and committed to helping students become whatever they were meant to be. I see myself undecided and at home at the wonderful Johns Hopkins University.
Suzhou 3 / 7  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
I would get rid of the first sentence and specify the date you had your revelation. Also, when you say "My parents were living vicariously through me and for years, they'd planned every step I'd take during and after high school" - I'm no college counselor but I'm not sure if that would be a wise thing to say. You sound dependent on your parents, and that doesn't come off well. I would talk more about how much you love pursuing a wide variety of subjects and how you want to satisfy all your curiosities before picking a major.

Good luck!
OP JHUDreamer 1 / 3  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
What if I changed it to
My parents were living vicariously through me and for years I'd allowed them to influence my decisions.
Mazinator 1 / 6  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
*and for years I have allowed them.

Yalla mai ! you can do it iA
calvinwang 3 / 32  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
While my parents were convinced that I would make a great lawyer, I see myself pursuing chemistry, physics, or maybe political science.

I see myself undecided and at home at the wonderful Johns Hopkins University.

this last sentence really confuses me. consider rephrasing this.

overall, i think essay is great. no need to tear it apart. xD Says that your undecided, gives examples as to why, and tells how John Hopkins is so appealing to you, exactly what colleges want for these type of essays.

if you get a chance, read my stony brook essay.
gris_pereyra 4 / 25  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
i actually like the fact that you sound dependent because you then realize your over-dependence on them but you change that by applying as undecided. last paragrapgh rather than saying they were meant to be it should are meant to be.

i think you could do without the first sentence. instead incorporate that idea after your realization. it makes it stronger. notice how i say idea though, that sentence could be a lot stronger. hope this helps!

and if you can look at my stanford supps that would be great!
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
However, the conversation eventually proceeded to what my cousins and I lovingly call, "The Game."

It has no rules, and the only purpose is to impress the people in front of you.

Unfortunately, our parents have been known to use us-their children-as their tools for mass impression. ---Ha ha!

In the last game, my aunt won.

However, it was during this game that I realized how little control I really had over my life.

My parents were living vicariously through me, and for years, they'd planned every step I'd take during and after high school.

For so long, I'd mastered being the perfect child, and it was through wearing that disguise that I'd lost valuable time-time to find myself and discover my true potential.

Of all the colleges that I've seen, Johns Hopkins is the most flexible and committed to helping students become whatever they were meant to be.

I think they'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)
Prettywings 1 / 74  
Jan 1, 2012   #8
I plan on using my time at Johns Hopkins University to find myself.

I don't think it's a good idea to state that you would like to use your time at John Hopkins to "find yourself". I would suggest eliminating this sentence or saying something to the extent that you believe John Hopkins will allow you to develop yourself personally and professionally.
fondue2012 - / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #9
I like the setting of the essay :) I understand what you're trying to say, but it's possible (just my opinion) that:

For too long, I'd mastered being the perfect child.

, could come off as a bit negative, so maybe you could remove that or tone it down a bit.
Also, when you say

master myself and my true potential.

, maybe it would be better to go along the lines of you wanting to explore new things and find out what you really want to do (like you have said in the paragraph after that), becuase this line might also sound a little negative.

Apart from that, its a nice read and it has a good flow and story, and your reasons for going undecided make sense :)


Home / Undergraduate / 'The Game' - JHU essay; Undecided
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳