Would someone please read my first draft? It's pretty bad, and any criticism would be welcomed.
During my middle school years, my father and I would routinely watch the game show Jeopardy after he came home from work. We would race to try to answer the questions, and with each question that I answered correctly, I would rub it in his face that he got beat by his son, three times his younger. However, what really made the show appealing to me was its host Alex Trebek. With the unique ability to combine uncanny astuteness and witty charm, Trebek seemed like a divine figure to my primitive twelve-year old mind. He was my greatest idol, and in eighth grade I had the chance to meet him.
I had won my school's geography bee and qualified for the state competition. After seeing the field of one hundred students be slowly whittled down, I found myself among only four remaining contestants. In order to advance to the national bee and meet Trebek, I only had to outlast three more people. My confidence began to grow with each progressive question, when the next one was posed.
"What country, with its largest city being Wahsah, was one of the first invaded during World War II?"
My previous overconfident state was quickly diminished to one of anxiety. I began to nervously fidget in my seat and my mouth dried up. I knew all the largest cities of European and North African countries involved in World War II, so I immediately focused on East Asia and Oceania, the regions of the world that I had the least knowledge of. I remembered from extensively playing Civilization II that, prior to the war, Japan invaded Manchuria, which seemed to be located in Mongolia. I knew that Mongolia's capital Ulaanbaatar was small, but I did not know if Wahsah was located in the country.
Having no better option, I timidly whispered "Mongolia?" as my answer. I expected the bell's ding, and sure enough it came swiftly. The judge said, "I'm sorry. Your answer is incorrect. The correct answer would be Poland."
I stood at the podium stunned. Had I been deceived? I knew that Poland's largest city was also its capital, Warsaw, not Wahsah. Then it hit me. I did not take his thick Brooklyn accent into account. As I stumbled across the stage and out of the auditorium, I felt cheated. It was unfair that I couldn't advance, simply from a different pronunciation. My dream of meeting Alex Trebek was dashed.
My only memento of the state geography bee was an extra large t-shirt that still does not fit me to this day. I did not meet Trebek, win money, or even get handed a certificate or trophy. Over the next month, watching the national competition and even watching Jeopardy, the show I had always loved, became a struggle. Eventually, however, I was able to get over my elimination, and it actually fueled me to be a more careful and attentive person. I realized that my lack of focus was the ultimate impediment of my dream to meet Trebek, not a simple accent.
Perhaps I could meet Alex Trebek on Jeopardy in the future.
We would race to try to answer the questions, and with each question that I answered correctly, I would rub it in his face that he got beat by his son, three times his youngera third his age.
With his unique ability to combine uncanny astuteness and witty charm, Trebek seemed like a divine...
I began to nervously fidget in my seat and my mouth dried up.---This is so funny! Great writing!
It was unfair that I couldn't advance, simply because of a different pronunciation.
My dream of meeting Alex Trebek had been dashed! ---I changed your period to an exclamation mark to add drama. :)
I had a similar experience in 6th grade, after being overconfident, as I had won every spelling bee up til then. :(
Good luck in school and have fun!
:)
Thank you very much for your input! Do you think this was a good essay topic to keep working on or should I just scrap it and work on a totally different one?
I'll answer that last question! I absolutely loved the topic and what you did with it! It was a great story and it tied in nicely to a larger theme! I actually wanted to read it, definitely keep that essay.
Wow thank you so much! I thought it may have been a little too informal, but that's great!
By the way, the topic was "describe a significant experience and it's effect on you".
it's very impressive. i like this essay. good luck ~~
Shaunak,
I really enjoyed your essay, great and engaging read!
I would like to offer the following suggestions:
I expected the bell's ding, and sure enough, it came swiftly.
I did not take his thick Brooklyn accent into account , perhaps I did not consider his thick Brooklyn accent ...
Good Luck!
J.B.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my essay! I have three questions however.
1. Jbow808, thank you for pointing out those corrections. I fully agree with the first correction, as it is something I must have missed, but I have to respectfully disagree with the second one. I see where you are trying to go with it, but I just want to convey the sudden realization as well as possible. Do you agree with my stance or not?
2. I'd like to send this essay under the "describe a significant experience and its effect on you." Do you think I should elaborate more on its effect, or should I keep it similar to as it currently is?
3. I'm relatively new to this site, and I have no idea how my title changed. The new one's much better, however, but I don't know how it changed. It's not a huge deal but I just want to know. :)
Again, thanks alot!
Shaunak,
No worries it was just a stylistic correct.. to me it just flowed better. The essay stands on it's own and clearly demonstrates how the experience has moved you to be more attentive. As far as the title change I have no idea, maybe it's a admin thing.
Best of Luck!
J.B.
Alright thanks so much for all your help!
