This is a rough draft for my common application essay. The prompt was "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." I am fearing that the first paragraph about quotes is a little bit confusing when relating to the rest of the essay so if anyone has any revision ideas, please feel free to share them!! :) Thanks so much.
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
-Mohandas K. Gandhi
Quotes are a challenge. A challenge to dig deeper into the core of life, to push yourself, and to
find meaning within a jumble of letters. Three years ago, I would have disagreed. Not with the
meaning of the quote but with the complexity of Gandhi's famous words. If it weren't for my
Grandmother, I would have never found and appreciated the meaning of helping others like I do
today.
At eighty years old, my grandmother is the most independent and high functioning woman I have
ever met. I'd like to think that no one has a grandmother quite like mine. She puts all of her
energy into helping other people and unalike many, she expects nothing in return. In 2010, she
was recognized by Homeward (the planning and coordinating committee for homeless services
in the greater Richmond region) as its volunteer of the year.
At a young age, I learned that her happiness thrives on the happiness of others. I would help her
draw pictures and write letters to the two children who she sponsored through the non-profit
organization, Children of Uganda. I would spend countless hours visiting her elderly friends who
were not doing very well. Up until early adolescence it was a burden for me, for I would much
rather be playing with my cousins. Yet as I matured, I became intrigued with the way that I could
simply tell one of her friends about my seemingly bland life and it would still, somehow make
their day. It made her happy to see me making other people happy. Her generosity was slowly
working its way into my veins. It made me feel good to make someone else feel good.
At fifteen years old, my Grandmother opened up a whole new world to me. She took me with her
to the St. Paul's homeless shelter. At first, I felt timid but it took only a matter of minutes before I
was engaged in deep conversation with a few of the homeless men. Among the men was Paul,
who came to the United States in search of a better life from Russia knowing little English. And
Alex, who had a mental breakdown when his wife died and ended up losing his job at a bank. As I
talked with them, I felt my apprehensive guard melt away.
It was at this moment, that I realized community service works in both directions. Serving other
people is not a job but rather a passion. It is the love to help others unconditionally without any
selfish motives. Gandhi's quote was true, I found myself, all thanks to my Grandmother. She
taught me that no matter who you are or where you're from, you're special. Helping other people
is the essence of humanity and a little bit of kindness goes a long way. Her generosity has
inspired me to follow her footsteps and make a difference in the world.
I have already begun, one service project at a time.
quote is a verb! not a noun. quotations*
you should also say, three years ago, i didn't understand. not disagreed.
you have grammatical errors, especially tenses, but this is rough so you can fix it.
I like it, your grandmother sounds like an amazing woman and you've outlined how you've grown up and matured but I think you should include something you did on your own, without her, to backup "inspired me to follow her footsteps and make a difference in the world."
The second to last paragraph, you end with the letting your guard melt away, I think you should either a) elaborate on it, or b) change it to something like 'opened my eyes and something something'. Nowhere else in your essay do you even hint at any kind of apprehensive guard, you just say that when you were younger you didn't like it much.
I like this rough draft though, it's in a good direction
Hope I'm helping!
Yes, that does make sense, thank you! The only problem is that I only have 500 words and this essay is around 500 words right now. I don't know what I would get rid of and what I would keep if I add in the things that you mentioned..
