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'Gangs as neighbors' - Bridgequest Struggle Essay


chas412 1 / 1  
Sep 14, 2012   #1
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)

Let me warn you before you read! I'm Horrible at english and writing so I'll need all the advice i can get. The essay is about 510 words. Let me know if i should add more, take less out, rearrange sentences/paragraphs, use different words ANYTHING! Thank you so much for your time.

When you've lived in neighborhoods controlled by gangs the words "Tomorrow isn't promised today" are taken serious. I was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pa in a single parent home and was exposed to both gangs and drugs at a very young age. While kids in the outskirts and suburbs learned their ABCs, in the city they taught us how drop when we heard gunshots. My mother had sold drugs away back and had ties to one of the most infamous gangs, the crips. When I was little I wasn't fully aware of the consequences that these lifestyles held but I fell in love with it. I felt invincible.

As I got older my love for the game and lifestyle grew stronger. My friends, family and I all fought other neighborhoods to defend our territory. When these acts were developing my life I was only nine years old .I still didn't understand the severity of what was happening. Half the time I didn't even understand why I was arguing or fighting with these people. Or why the different neighborhoods didn't get along. Later on I realized this whole lifestyle was just based on show.

More months that passed by my mother became tired of me and the circumstances I as getting into. She tried to warn me numerous times about this troublesome life. At the time my mind state wasn't focused on school or home. All I wanted to do was be on the streets so my mother put me on the streets. She told me if I could listen to her then I didn't deserve to have a roof over my head. It was one of the worst winters for my city in a long time. I had nowhere to go, no where to stay. The people in my neighborhood I had been fighting for couldn't even open their doors so I could have a place to lay my head. I took those cold, long and hard days to heart. Realizing my mother was the one that had my back the whole time. I couldn't believe it took her kicking me out to see what this life was really about but I finally realized what was more important in my life.

Over the years that have passed I've lost many friends and family to the courts and the graveyards about something as minute and insignificant as what neighborhood were from. I will always love these steps I went through. These occurrences and early mistakes opened my eyes, my mind and helped me become a success in my family. I feel like I have been given a second chance in life and it will not be taken for granted. I'm now fully aware that there are consequences to everything you do. And I've come to fall in love in with what an education and job holds in this future for me. I used to adore the respect on the streets could do for you. Now I adore what High school and college diplomas can do for you.
Sabina123 - / 2  
Sep 14, 2012   #2
This is really good. Very inspirational. But there are a few tweeks here and there that need to be made.

- There should be a comma (,) on the first line. " When you've lived in neighborhoods controlled by gangs, the words "Tomorrow isn't promised today" are taken serious."

- Since you're writing in the past tense, everything should be consistent. "More months that passedby my mother became tired of me and the circumstances I asgettinginto". There's a mixture of past and present tense here. There's also a spelling mistake. "Many months passed. My mother became tired of me and that circumstances I got into"

- "The people in my neighborhood I had been fighting for couldn't even open their doors so I could have a place to lay my head" This sentence lacks structure. Can't think of a way to improve it at the moment. Sorry.

- "Over the years that have passed I've lost many friends and family to the courts and the graveyards about something as minuteand insignificant as what neighborhood werefrom" Don't understand what you are trying to say there. Something as small as minutes maybe? The "were" should be "we're"; grammatical error.

- "I used to adore the respect on the streets could do for you" You missed out the 'what' after 'adore'. Makes more sense.

Hope this helps a little. I'm not a very good writer myself:/
OP chas412 1 / 1  
Sep 18, 2012   #3
Thank you so much, really appreciate it!


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