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I gave my hand to a helpless man - Common App Belief essay


samkazmi 6 / 13  
Aug 26, 2014   #1
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
This is my first draft. i have to shorten it a bit and improve it alot, obviously. I want to ask whether this essay is solid enough to support the prompt?

I could change it for the "accomplishment or event essay that marked my transition from childhood to adulthood " by saying that i changed as a personand no longer felt like a 16-year-old kid.

Thanks for reading

Transition to adulthood: Common App essay
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Walking out of my school gate one day, I noticed a very old man sitting alone under our schools massive oak tree. The ancient-looking man had a fringe of silver hair around his balding, mottled scalp. His rag-like clothes looked as though they had not been washed in years. His face had a certain restlessness on it while he sat on his wheelchair, which was easily as weak and decrepit as he was. The resigned look on his face was even worse to see; one of a man who knows that at his age life has stopped giving and only takes away.

Days stretched into weeks and the man was still there. And by the looks of it, there to stay. Usually, I never considered myself to be one for helping people. But during those weeks of watching the same helpless-looking man over and over again, I felt something different; an urge to make a difference for someone other than myself.

Hence, I decided to talk to few of my friends regarding the man and unsurprisingly, none of them seemed remotely interested. Everyone I talked to, family, friends or strangers, refused to take me seriously. Who could blame them? I was, after all, just another 16 year old; someone unable to make any difference to society.

I started small, giving him my lunch money everyday after school. Occasionally, when I had enough money to buy him something more substantial like clothes, I'd do that. He never said much apart from the odd thank you, but I knew that he was grateful.

As we grew friendlier, we began to chat a bit about each other's lives. Ahmad, as his name turned out, had been living this way for the past seven years. He moved from place to place, hoping to find some help, but bar a few small donations here and there, people usually never cared. But the greatest tragedy of all was losing his family, one of many victims in the 2005 earthquakes in Pakistan. As he recounted his past years of turmoil, the sadness on his face was truly immense. This man was a prime example of someone who had been ruined by our society's lack of care for people who, according to it, did not matter.

Several months passed by and nothing changed. Then one day, Ahmad was gone. A week passed by and I began to fear the worst. After all, seven years was a long time to live on the streets, especially for a 75-year-old man. Perhaps he was gone for good. However, what actually happened was hugely satisfying.

It turned out that someone else, a parent of a student, had noticed Ahmad at school and decided to take full responsibility for him. Everything had been taken care of, ranging from medical care and food to a place for him to live. He had been enrolled in a senior citizens home and when I paid him a visit, I was delighted by all the care he was getting. Ahmad expressed his gratitude and even went as far as saying that I was the reason he ended up there. Apparently, the man who decided to take care of him saw me helping him over the past few months and finally decided to do something more permanent for him. I felt content with the fact that my seemingly insignificant contribution mattered in the end.

This experience changed me as a person. I no longer felt like a 16-year-old kid, but an adult who actually began to care about society. The fact that I was able to think and make a decision for myself caused others to start considering me as an adult as well. Most people say that the transition from childhood to adulthood involves hundreds of significant learning experiences, but if I were to point out one such experience that kick started my personal growth, it would certainly be this one.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Aug 26, 2014   #2
The overall theme of the essay is more of a transition to adulthood since you decided to help somebody that no one else would even though you were just a teenager. So it would be best for you to change the essay prompt to "accomplishment or event essay that marked my transition from childhood to adulthood. Your story and actions depicted that event more than you challenging an existing idea or belief. It is a very well thought out essay and tells a very touching story. You should be proud of your work. I look forward to reviewing your succeeding drafts and eventually your final version. Keep it up ! :-D
luisfl97 1 / 1  
Aug 27, 2014   #3
Everything had been taken care off, ranging from medical care and food to a place for him to live.

Watch out, I think you actually mean "taken care OF", right?

I really enjoyed your essay. The writing and language are very clear, and it's also an amazing story, definitely eye-catching. It's a great example of how you'd be somebody who could make a difference to the world.

I understand how this essay could be seen as a story about "challenging a belief or idea", but, as vangiespen, I also think it's more suitable for "accomplishment that marked your transition...". You shouldn't have much trouble adapting it to this topic, just add in a few more lines that show this experience has made you grown.

Just out of curiosity, was this based on real events or just out of your imagination? Either way, good job!
OP samkazmi 6 / 13  
Aug 28, 2014   #4
A bit of both. The man in the essay exists and some of the events are real. But some I added to make the essay better, like his background.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Aug 30, 2014   #5
This fantastic work! The essay is ready for submission :) The content, the vividness of the description, the end result of your actions, and your sense of accomplishment and maturity definitely comes through very clearly and solidly in this essay! Even your choice of words shows that you have placed great thought and consideration in the way it will affect the overall content of the paper. This answers the essay prompt perfectly. It is obvious that you took our suggestions seriously and applied it to your work. At this point, all I can advise you to do is keep practicing and try to gain even more control over your use of the written English word.


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