Hello,
I am applying to Stanford as an international transfer. The deadline is in a week so I'm freaking out. Please help me on this essay.
Prompt- 'What matters to you and why?'
It is imperative for me to be a sinner- curly haired, bloodshot eyed, dusky fleshed, crank headed sinner with a silhouette resembling the demon. I was born against the order of nature, as Chapter XVI, Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code quotes, describing the LGBTQ community. As soon as I realized my homosexuality, it took me no time to venture on the quest to masculinity as effeminate men are not glamorized in the Indian society. It's sort of like; links to the ancient culture is resisting the progression towards a more accepting community and is questioning the legitimacy of 'right to freedom.'
To think that two men possessing intimate feelings for each other is unnatural, questions the authenticity of the definition of love. What is love if not two souls at the juncture of promise, solace and sacrifice?
My experiences- from the inability to get approval for creation of LGBTQ society in school as well as college to the bullying I had to endure when my friends found out sexually explicit pictures of two men on my phone- have been an important foundation for self-invention. Being gay is important to me because homosexuality is a beautiful skeleton that keeps different pieces of my body stacked together.It is a domain of self discovery which cuts down even the slightest possibility of being a judgmental person, for I've been criticized all my life. It makes me want to fight back all the hatred that is erupting out from the society. It makes me human.
The Indian Government is arguably creating a 'cure' for what they think can be treated. I have always desired to be straight but now I wonder, 'If given a chance, would I really go straight?"
What you have written is well written and poetic. However, you need to expand on each of your ideas and stick to the prompt more clearly. The prompt is what matters to you and why. So use that language to clarify. Say directly it matters to me to be a part of the LGBTQ community and to find self-acceptance." or something like that. then incorporate that into your essay throughout.
Then the why. why do you want to go to Stanford to find this? Talk about how the experiences of your friends making fun of you affected you. Did you further reject yourself? How did you come to accept yourself? Or, if you have not yet, what part of the process are you in? If you are still searching, talk about that search.
The part about the government "killing all the fun" - change that. It sounds a little strange in this essay.
I am having a hard time editing it . Here is what I came up with (Just some reshuffling and addition of new sentences) The first para deals with what matters to me and the second one deal with why (enough though it is a little vague)
I am not sure if this is good enough. What do you think, will this make an impact on my Stanford app, considering only 25 students are going to be admitted?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I would advise reviewing your essay as it just reads awkwardly to me. For example, "It is imperative for me to be a sinner...". The word imperative seems awkwardly used. Moving onward in the same paragraph, the sentence "As I realized..." is also awkwardly written, and you should consider rewriting the dependent clause. Also the semi-colon is not necessary after "It's sort of like", as well as "links to the ancient culture [are]" instead of "is".
Consider reviewing the essay for grammatical/stylistic errors.
As for the content, your essay is written very artfully, but I feel that it lacks a substantial meaning towards yourself that happens to be unique. I don't mean to offend anyone, but there are many members of the LGBTQ society that have been prone to bullying, discrimination, etc. Stanford, which only accepts the best and brightest students, are perhaps looking for something more unique. You may write about your experience as a member of the LGBTQ community, but you might want to consider writing something more personal so that the admissions office can get a sense of you as a person from what you find important. To that note, all I can really see from your essay is that you are an active member of the LGBTQ community as well as an advocate for them. This is not really a distinguishing characteristic for a prestigious university as Stanford which accepts all sorts of applicants. With that respect, consider removing some sentences such as "to think that two men...". In my opinion, it is kind of redundant.
I think this may have been pretty critical, but I hope that you may find some advice in here that you like. Best wishes!
Brilliant! That's some great advice. Thank you! But It's really difficult for me to rewrite this. Do you think this is a good start-
"I'm gay" I revealed as my cringe worthy eyes examined the floor.
"That's it?" Vini inquired as if he wasn't intrigued by the fact that he could possibly be a center of sexual attraction to me. Instead of "OMG you're gay" or "Eww you're gay" , his bland "that's it" made me question the kind of person he was. He was straight and an Indian, he surely should have vacated the room by now, but he didn't.
I think the start you've given is much better than before. Not only is it more intimate and personal, allowing the reader to feel more connected to you, but also you've said all you need to say about introducing your thing of importance in less words than before. This will allow you to write and expand more on what the LGBTQ community means to you, and why as an active member of it you feel a certain way. However I do recommend removing the "OMG" and replacing it with its appropriate meaning.
As you continue writing the body of your paragraph, try to focus on why this community is important as well as relating it back to yourself. Does the LGBTQ community give you a sense of pride, unity, etc? As a member, do you do anything to gather support? While I don't mean to sound crass, but simply being gay is probably not as important as one might think. Therefore, you must write less about being gay and more about what being gay, being around the LGBTQ community means to you. How have you and they shown support for others, how you might have overcome any personal struggles, etc. Just make sure you do not sound too whiny or self-entitled as the admissions office is looking for someone who will fit in the Stanford community.
Of course, this is just my opinion on how you should write your essay and you and others may disagree. Take what you like and hopefully this helps!
I think this is really good topic and beautifully portrayed. If there your essay has not exceeded the word limit yet, I think it could be beneficial to include how you have grown from those two experiences as one of your concluding statements.
