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Geerd Diercksen, Essay A: some one who has made an impact in your life


Naniella09 1 / 1  
Dec 10, 2009   #1
Personal Essay 1
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

i need some feedback! Btw im applying UT to study history!

Plenty of people have made an impact on my life, but I will never forget Geerd Diercksen. He used to work with my father as his advisor at the Max-Planck-Institute for Astrophysics in Garching, Germany. But apart from work, they have been good friends for many years. He was there when I was in my mother's belly. He had come to Venezuela for a conference and once it was over my parents took him and his wife touring all over the country. He is the kind of man who loves traveling and learning about other cultures and because of this, he is exactly the kind of person that I want to be.

It wasn't until I was nine that I met him in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. We were headed for a chemistry symposium in the small town of Caxambu, but before doing so, we spent some time in Rio to do a little sight-seeing. He insisted we walk along the very long coast of the city, and though we hesitated at first, at the end it was worthwhile. The beaches, with their pearl white sand and clear blue water, were absolutely stunning. At one point he dared me to race him. Now it is important to mention that at the time he was over 60 years old. Against all odds, he beat me, he won!

Our next encounter was two years later in Germany. We spent the whole summer there mainly on the outskirts of Munich, in Garching. My mom and I traveled all over Munich while my father worked at the Institute, but they gave him two weeks off during which Geerd took us to the Alps in Austria. After five hours on the road, we finally arrived at the small town of Lech. We got accommodated at our pretty little inn and what we thought would be an evening of peace and quiet, was actually our first try at hiking up a mountain. The next three days were more of the same. I recall one particular mountain we climbed. It was definitely our longest hike. The whole time Geerd delighted us with his stories of his trips all over the globe: Japan, India, Canada, Australia, Morocco, most of Central and South America, all of Europe, etc. I listened intently at all his stories, fascinated with every single one.

The hike got really arduous when the mountain got steeper. Then all conversation ceased and our focus went primarily to the hike. What always makes me chuckle is thinking about Geerd, almost 70 years old, way ahead of us, and at the very back, huddled together and gasping for air, my parents. My mom ended up with two black fingernails and 10 pounds less. That is another aspect of him I have always admired. He showed me that age doesn't have to be an impediment; one can continue enjoying life until the very end.

Of Diercksen I will forever remember Ipanema, the Alps and his fascinating stories. I know my great interest in the world and its cultures begun when I met him, and if I am to get accepted at the University of Texas at Austin in the department of History, I'll have him to thank for.
ohellothere - / 8  
Dec 10, 2009   #2
This essay looks good to me. A few errors in that last sentence need some cleaning up though. Change begun to began and "I'll have him to thank for" Insert "it" at the end.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Dec 10, 2009   #3
1. Sentence2/3: "He used to work ... they have been ..." makes a tense error.
2. Sentence 5: So his wife's name could be "touring", the way you phrase it.
3. Sentence 5: "took him and his wife touring" joins a past perfect tense verb with words of some intent that I cannot place; it sounds like colloquial wording that errors flourish in.

4. Sentence 6: Ok, if this guy is not alive, which it does sound like, why do you continue to refer to him in the present tense with words such as "is?"

5. Sentence 6: This is just a combination overflow citation I am urged to make. Try balancing your writing: with "learning about other cultures" following it, "traveling" seems lonely and disfavored. Other than that, you're working in circles lexically. He is the kind of man who ... and because of this, he is the kind of person that I want to be??? You may as well aspire to be a person who loves traveling and learning about other cultures, since it's the crucial point you're making. This makes for the third consecutive sentence beginning with "He." The sentence is not very compact. All the talk of "kind" decentralizes this person, making him secondary and common; and this spate is just getting at what is wrong with the sentence, passing on what could and should be rightly said.

5/6 errors per sentence. If you have a 500 word essay with an average sentence length of 20 words, that's about 21 hard errors.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 12, 2009   #4
5/6 errors per sentence. If you have a 500 word essay with an average sentence length of 20 words, that's about 21 hard errors.

Mustafa, have you spent any time learning about Gardner's work with multiple intelligences? That changed my life. It made me realize that a lot of people can't write well, even though they are way smarter than me. Language is our thing, but... for me, visual things don't come easily. I wonder if you have a similar experience... as a wordsmith, how is your skill with drawing? Similarly, I could get lost in my own town because my sense of direction is so bad.. and I have a lot of trouble remembering faces! People I met several times recognize me, but I don't recognize them!! Yet, I can write like a champ.

Then all conversation ceased, and our focus went primarily to the hike. What always makes me chuckle is thinking about Geerd, almost 70 years old, way ahead of us, and at the very back, huddled together and gasping for air, my parents. -----> Hey, this is some exellent writing! I don't think it has as many mistakes as Mustafa estimates.

My mom ended up with sporting black fingernails and weighing ten pounds less. That is another attribute of Geerd that I have always admired.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Dec 12, 2009   #5
Psychology really piques my interest, so even if I hadn't taken the required classes in the subject, I'd probably still be familiar with the theory of multiple intelligences proposed by Gardner. As I recall, the problem of defining intelligence is a huge topic of interest in the field, and no approach is free of problems. I'm a strong proponent of the theory that intelligence is fragmented in different aspects, but I don't think those aspects number as many as proposed in the various dimensions Gardner identified. I think there are at most, a handful of distinct areas, across which intelligences vary in composition; the intelligences that permeate the way we think and conceptualize. I mean, the ability to apprehend abstract concepts, recognize patterns in our experiences, visualize spatially, express our thoughts in language, follow a set approach, evaluate and respond in reference to our own feelings and emotions and those of others... in my opinion they are all faculties composed of unique elements, and each ability probably merits a separate category of intelligence.

Drawing is horrible and I can't sketch a hangman, but consolation that it's one of the "best" things to suck at, very much as music is, helps. I know that I'm terrible at manipulating objects mentally, and not the most able at adopting a process and sticking with it. I'm usually oblivious to external details, wrapped up in thinking. Certain abstract concepts jam my mode of thinking, almost as if there is a dam preventing the rush of crushing water, but the water is actually a crescendo of foreign thoughts. If I remove the obstruction, I'm suddenly inundated, swept totally under. Even though I'll most likely resurface, I'd rather not go through the whole anguish, because there are endless more of dreadful questions/problems that you cannot exhaust.

At the same time, I have always had an innate, insatiable curiosity and an instinct for detecting "why", getting to the bottom of things or harboring pestering unease until I do. Just the allure of imagining possibilities consumes a lot of my energy. I'd rather dabble than work with tedious details necessary to achieve whatever passes for proficiency in a given subject area. Language is the only true medium to transmit communications with measurable surety; you can't help but be amazed at the free range to share, or try sharing, everything you've entertained so far in silence. Given its overarching function, excellence is worthy, ever increasingly. This is naturally part of the reason I embrace it, I think.
OP Naniella09 1 / 1  
Dec 12, 2009   #6
Thank youu!! Geerd actually is alive...he's just old. but thanks :D
and i think you should know that I'm from Venezuela...English isn't my native language! I'm applying as an international student. So i hope the university will understand if my essay isn't grammatically perfect :) thanks anyway!! your comments were really helpful!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 14, 2009   #7
Naniella,

I sure do think they will appreciate you despite grammatical errors. It is so impressive for you to be bilingual, and if people at some schools can't appreciate that, they are not the right schools!

Mustafa,
Ha ha, I'm not surprised to learn that you share my drawing disability. It's nice to know others who understand, ha ha. And you have an excellent way of explaining the inability to manipulate objects mentally, visually. Similarly, I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know. So... I can understand how some people can have a mental block against writing, as you described.

Language is the only true medium to transmit communications with measurable surety

I don't know... it sure is complex enough, but it conveys lots of misunderstanding, too! James Mitose wrote, "Words are a difficult means of communication, even when language and cultural backgrounds are common factors."


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