Prompt #1 - Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
People in life always strive to find their own purpose. "Why am I here?" This question is undoubtedly asked by everyone at one point in their lives. The truth is, our purpose in life is shaped by the world and people around us. In my case, my aspiration has been influenced by my music teacher Mr. Bortz.
Wanting to see my friend's band practice, I went to school during the summer after my tenth grade year. Knowing that I have previously played the French horn, they have continually asked me to join the band to fill up the vacant spot made by the previous brass player who had graduated. They encouraged me to just try and march with them. And at first I was reluctant, but I eventually grew to like marching. Even though it was extremely hard to play and march, my curiosity and passion for music and marching quickly took over me, so I enrolled in the class the upcoming year. During the long hours of toiling works and practices that I spent in class and on the field, I developed a close friendship with my music teacher, Mr. Bortz who was a caring optimistic person with cystic fibrosis (a fatal disease that affects multiple organ systems and is genetically inherited). At first this was very intriguing to know someone with CF, because it is something that separates him from the usual music teacher, but despite the disease my teacher remained passionate of his job and willing to give a helping hand to everyone. During an afterschool practice he was trying to help me play louder on my instrument so I could be heard on the field during the show, but I kept saying I couldn't do it. But what really stayed with me was when he said, "I wish I could take a full breath like a healthy person." This comment had really struck me for I've never had any grave injury or disease that made me realized how fortunate I am to be a healthy person. From then on I wanted to pursue a path that would allow me to help those that have been robbed of a chance to live a normal life. I truly wanted to do something that could help people that have genetically inherited diseases like CF, either with finding a cure or bettering the treatments that already existed. I wanted to make a difference in their lives just like how Mr. Bortz did in my life.
Meeting my music teacher has caused me to see the world in a different way. Instead of taking things for granted, I learned that good health doesn't always come by easily. I discovered that we must always work to keep ourselves healthy and strong. Most importantly, I found a purpose in life: to help people suffering from crippling illnesses at the best of my ability. By furthering my education, I wish to fulfill this dream that I established and make an impact in this world.
any help with grammar and spelling would be nice and anything that should be cut out
It sounds good!
The something that stuck out to me was when you shortened cystic fibrosis to CF. I don't know if that's allowed but I think it would be better if you wrote the two words out- unless you're trying to cut back on words or something.
I truly wanted to do something that could help people that have genetically inherited diseases like CF, either with finding a cure or bettering the treatments that already existedexist .
Overall, you chose a good topic to write about and I can see how this event really affected you.
Good luck!
has been influenced by my music teacher Mr. Bortz.
By ending the first paragraph this way you might make the reader think you are recycling an essay about a person who significantly influenced you. If you add a sentence to the end of this paragraph you can establish the theme of the paper as the INFLUENCE rather than the person. Can you capture the meaning of the influence in a single sentence at the end of that first paragraph?
doesn't always come by easily. ---I think you mean to say that it is not always "easy to come by." That is the common way to use this figure of speech...
By furthering my education----You should be more specific and describe a plan. Do you want to work with sufferers of specific diseases? Do you want to learn a specific kind of therapy? You should list a few possible career paths and describe some goals that you can achieve in order to ensure you choose a good path and have opportunities. Get specific about what you intend to do.
:-)
