This is my second draft and it still rough around the edges. I am applying to multiple schools, but GWU is my first pick by far. My girlfriend normally gives me feedback for my essays, and typically I just use too many cliches or use too dramatic of a tone. I am hoping to get as much feedback as I can, small or large, before I visit their campus in a week. Thank you so much in advance!
In high school, I made few plans to attend college; I envisioned myself as a career officer with the US Army. Uncountable hours were spent fantasizing over a future of tanks and heroic adventure. What I never expected was to end up medically disqualified and attending a junior college. However, Irvine Valley College has exposed me to a diverse curriculum and student body, and my recent accomplishments have vindicated me of any doubts I held about my academic potential. The most exciting aspect about becoming a member of the GW community is the opportunity to realize the dream I thought I had lost - to travel the world, understand its peoples, and eventually serve my country.
The first time I travelled out of the country was with the Boy Scouts of America. I represented Troop 578 and my country at the 15th Nippon Jamboree in 2010. Visiting Japan was an enlightening experience, and the most unique aspect of the trip was the opportunity to absorb another culture. Exploring the streets of Toyko, feeding the deer in Nara, those experiences opened my eyes to a world beyond the small California suburb I came from; Tokyo was drastically different from the local big city, Los Angeles, and American wildlife typically spooks, not attempts to eat the map I have in my back pocket. The Jamboree coincided with the observance of Japanese Peace Day which, held on August 6th, commemorates the lives lost at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in the hope that nuclear weapons will never be used again. Each scout was given a sticky note to record their thoughts on the "peace wall." I wrote, "Peace is a beautiful, timeless goal." At that moment, I believed that peace was simply an end to all wars - I failed to see the larger concept of peace beyond my own. That was the mindset I held until I met Ari, a student at IVC. Also a member of the MUN team, he asked me for feedback on his college essay about growing up in Iran. Through it I learned that he is a refugee, not of war, but of a different kind of violence. His family was displaced by the ideological regime in that country, and one day he plans to return to Iran and become a political activist for a more moderate government. I learned from Ari what I missed in Japan: peace is compromise, and failure to do so has unnecessary consequences just like war. From analyzing the views of others, I can continuously expand my comprehension of the international community.
My life's goal is to run for office of President of the United States of America. I aspire to attend George Washington University as a Middle Eastern Studies major because it has a wide variety of study abroad programs, and is a well-established center of political learning. I wish to be considered for the accelerated program, and I plan on applying to the Honors Program if accepted.
When you said this would be "rough," I envisioned something a lot worse than what I just read. I think it's beautifully written, and will definitely reflect you very well to admissions officers. Best of luck!
