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As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in

ambikav99 1 / -  
Oct 4, 2016   #1
Hi! I'm just looking for some help on my essay. This is my first draft. I know it needs to be more personal, but I need some help making it so. Any comments or suggestions are welcome :)

A sea of flags circled around the stadium.
"I see China!" I exclaimed.
"I see Guam!" my friend replied.
"No way! We haven't seen them all competition!" We raced down the endless steps to trade our Nevada buttons with the delegates. This is the National History Day tradition, and I was determined to get each button from all fifty-three delegations. I went up to the three Guam delegates, introduced myself, and asked them what their projects were about. In each of them, I saw a passion and enthusiasm for their topic that gleamed through their eyes. This is what I love about National History Day: the shared passion for history and learning.

National History Day is no easy task. It begins in July, right after the National Competition is over. Brainstorming, designing, interviewing, researching. My sophomore year, I choose an often forgotten but important historical figure: William Lloyd Garrison. The process to design my individual website alone took seven long months. Not only were there plenty of technical issues with the website and media, but it was also difficult constructing a concise, organized website with the abundance of information I had collected. I checked out every library book available, sent over sixty emails to possible interviewees, played with all thirty available web designs, and eagerly stayed after school to pore over my project with my history teacher. Each day, I would learn something even more intriguing than I had previously. Out of the five emails I received back, one was from Garrison's great-great-great grandson, Frank Garrison. He was with me every step of the process, excited by my interest in Garrison. I won state in my category against other phenomenal websites, and made it to nationals in Washington D.C. We spent our first days touring the Capitol, meeting with representatives, seeing the National Archives, exploring D.C, and in evenings, staying up late to debate over historical figures with people from other delegations. On the last day, it was time for awards. I remember my name being called at the national competition and my absolute disbelief. I had competed out of my pure love for history, and here I was winning an "Outstanding Entry" award in my favorite place, Washington D.C. I started, quite literally, the day after on my next project more determined than ever to place. I worked with my friend this time around. She was insistent on choosing Andy Warhol, but as someone who was artistically challenged, I was hesitant but agreed due to my admiration of Warhol's belief of equilibration through art, and his impact on contemporary culture. My friend had an artistic eye, and I had an analytical mind. We both spent hours a day perfecting the format and structure, and reading book after book. I was wonderstruck over the information I learned. Each fact leading me to research further. I interviewed Warhol's nephew, one of his superstars Bibbe Hansen, and his friend and decorator, Billy Name. At the end of all these primary interviews and a couple more, I felt that I had personally known Warhol. Our project carried us again to Washington D.C, where we received rubrics even more glowing than the I did the year before, indicating that were close to being finalists at the national level. In fact, when I went to New York this past summer, the first places I dragged my family to were the MOMA and the MET in order to meet the curator who I had worked with, and see the Warhol pieces in person that I had spent months analyzing. I remember walking as fast as my feet could carry me - since you can't run - to the pieces, and just standing there in awe, thinking about all I had learned.

National History Day was so invigorating for me. Winning was always great, but for me, nothing could beat spending time at the national competition, making friends, and learning about an individual whose impact on history is often forgotten or underestimated. I've developed confidence to present in front of esteemed professors and large crowds, challenged myself to question and think deeper, met individuals from all over the world, explored the greatest city in the world, and learned about an individual in no way a presentation or textbook could ever teach me.
fadhilmd25 41 / 75 11  
Oct 4, 2016   #2
Dear Ambikav, here are some advices for your writing, feel free to correct me if I get wrong,

National History Day is not an easy task

I choose an often forgotten but important historical figure -->
I choose the less recognized historical figure but yet has important role

The process to design my individual website alone took seven long months to complete it

We spent our first daysby touring around the Capitol

Some of the verbs need to be replace to past form

Hope it helps you to improve your essay,

admission2012 - / 481 90  
Oct 6, 2016   #3

Your essay is really well written and I enjoyed reading it+++++ What was the prompt that you used? This will help me critique it further.- selective admissions

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