I would really appreciate some feedback on this, I'm not finished, after this I want to transition into maybe how tenacity has shaped me in dbeate or programming or something that has to do with problem solving and then transition into how this will help me in the future as I study International Relations: good plan, yes, no, maybe so? Whatever feedback anyone has I would greatly appreciate it and I'll thoroughly look at you essays!!
THANK YOU
The Prompt: ALL APPLICANTS: As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you. (Up to one page)
It was the fifth and final round, less than two minutes remained. My heartbeat thumped thorugh my ears as I looked up at the looming figure before me. My last opponent was a robust eleven year old boy heavier and taller than I, with two years on me to bout and all of the Herculean strength that I lacked. Mercilessly brutish, his every blow robbed me of breath. With each roundhouse, crippling pain surged through my joints. But with my resolve uncompromised, I employed a change in strategy. Instead of fighting fire with paper, I would extinguish his flame by exhausting his will. Employing evasive maneuvers, I waited. His resolve dissipated quickly and empowered by adrenaline, I summoned the last surge of my strength to unleash a stream of round-ending punches that gained me my black belt.
Karate is a paradigm of the human psyche. Each roundhouse and hook is reflective of one's inner sense of self. My sensei often emphasized the values implicit in each jab and cross. Bemused I would wonder, what do my uppercuts reveal? For the longest while this question remained a mystery, but now having thrown thousands of uppercuts I have come to find my answer: tenacity.
The value of tenacity has molded my every endeavor; it is the foundation for my successes, especially in learning Arabic. For a native English speaker such as myself, everything about the language is foreign: the consonant-rich phonology, the guttural R's, the connected nature of the script, and even the unorthodox writing directions. I have had to spend countless hours listening to Arabic radio broadcasts, completing online sessions with native speakers, and reading Alif Baa lesson plans just so that I can introduce myself, but dedicating my time to learn the language has provided me with more than just a simple introduction; it has provided me with an open door to my future where I can pursue my passions freely.
Although it may sound cliché, challenging myself both academically and physically has come to convince me that I can overcome obstacles that stand in my way, and I can do so with confidence. It is with this same attitude that I pursue my passion for international relations.
I love that you took the creative side of the prompt at the beginning of your essay, the story is a really good hook. I also like how you tied karate in with learning Arabic. However I don't think the what you have so far describe you. From what you have, all I can only tell is that you like karate and that you know Arabic. Although both are really cool, maybe put something in about where you are from, your family, or why you chose to learn Arabic. Lastly, I think that maybe you should skip the problem solving part of the plan and go straight to studying international relations. I feel that talking about problem solving skills in any kind of application is cliche.
@Jkinney thank you so much! Do you think it would be alright to tie Arabic into what I want to do with International Relations? Or should I delve a little deeper than that?
Hello,
This is just not a great essay. For starters, the prompt explicitly states that you should write this essay in your own voice, yet, you try to use big "SAT" words that just stifles your message. Secondly, this should be about your unique qualities. Essentially all they are asking here is for you to talk about what makes you unique and how will that uniqueness help make the Georgetown community even more diverse. Talking about learning Arabic is a good topic, but you need to approach it from a more personal/passionate angle so that it allows the reader to really learn more about your uniqueness. As it stands now, this essay reads very contrived. You are just regurgitating "Key" words that you feel the adcom wants to read and this takes away from the main goal of this essay. -Admissions Advice Online
Although it may sound cliché, challenging myself both academically and physically has come to convince me that I can overcome obstacles that stand in my way, and I can do so with confidence. It is with this same attitude that I pursue my passion for international relations.
Once again, this is NOT what this essay should be about. It should be about qualities and experiences that make you unique. You need to take your experiences and explore the value/impact those experiences have on you. This essay should NOTTTTTTTTTTTT be about how you are determined to overcome all challenges. This is a diversity question which should be about how you will contribute to the Georgetown community. I cannot be any clearer. - Admissions Advice Online
I posted this before reading your comment. I didnt use SAT words on purpose, this is just the nature of my writing style and my vocabulary I guess. I'm just struggling with the personal aspect of the essay, I'm just not used to writing about myself, nor my specific experiences. Thank you for your advice though
@admissions2012 do you think it would be better if after the second paragraph I jumped right into how I grew up kind of and how that fostered shaped me, and then focus on the future after that?
Nancy, the problem I see with your essay is that you are talking about your talents and skills but you are not telling us how that will help to feed the diverse energy that the students of Georgetown have. Instead of telling us about your talents and skills, tell us how you plan to use those talents and skills at Georgetown. For example, you compete in Karate right? So delve deeper into that by saying you have an interest in joining (or starting if Georgetown does now have one yet) the competitive Karate or Martial Arts team of Georgetown. You speak Arabic fluently right? Surely there will be other Arabic students on campus who will be looking for other Arabs to create friendships with or to seek academic help from. Talk about founding an Arabic club along those lines because of your expertise in Arabic. Basically, the essay will benefit from you making plans about how you can best socialize with and help the members of the Georgetown student community on an academic and social level. This will show your diversity and also explain how you understand the diversity of campus life at Georgetown, closing with how you plan to help make it an even more lively and colorful student landscape with your future addition :-) If you can write a completed essay for us to better critique and review, I think we will be able to help you align it better than going paragraph by paragraph or idea by idea.
