Hi everyone! Please help me make this essay better. It's only my first draft! Any and all comments and corrections are welcomed :) Oh and any title suggestions will be appreciated.
(A)Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you. OR (B) Describe an experience you have had living or working in a diverse community. How might that experience help you to contribute to the life of a university community like Georgetown's?
"Why do you wear socks with your sandals?" And that's when it all began. As I looked around, I saw faces staring at me, with their ears eager to hear my reply. All of them were smiling, on the verge of laughing and all I could do in return is shrug my shoulders and walk away, knowing that I would be the topic of their discussion for the rest of the day. How could I, with my poor knowledge of the English language, even try to explain that that's what the kids did back in Russia - where I've been living for the past ten years? Making a cultural transition is hard for anyone, but I could have never imagined for it to be this difficult. Being made fun of was an unusual experience for a girl who was well liked at her former school. Before the first day of fifth grade came, I tried getting used to the idea of no one talking to me and not being able to understand what the teacher might ask me to do, but I didn't even think that kids would be so mean as to laugh at the way I speak and dress. As the day passed and school came to an end, relief came over me and was followed by terror and the fear of going to school the next day. I sat in my new house, with my mom and step-dad arguing downstairs, and tried to figure out how to get myself out of this terrible situation. It didn't take me long to realize that there was only one person who could help me overcome the language barrier - myself.
And that was the event that shaped me into the determined individual that I am today. That was the event that pushed me to learn the English language in no time. Along with this eye-opening experience came many more down the road. No matter how traumatic they might have been, they helped me define myself. My understanding of the world at such a young age gave me the drive I needed to reach great heights and accomplish things never thought possible. My consistently hard work ethic made me the top of my class - a title in which I take great pride. Everything I have been through has led me to this point in life, a place where I have to let go of my future and leave it all in your hands - for I have done everything I possibly could to get into an amazing school, Georgetown - the school of my dreams.
As I have mentioned, my life experiences didn't define me - they simply helped me define myself. I have been through situations that are considered to be some of the most interesting and sad by our society. In my short life span, I've had two abusive fathers, I've lived in three different countries, and I've helped my mom deal with her diagnosis of a terminal bone marrow cancer. I know what it's like to be both poor and rich, both happy, and sad, and both strong, and helpless. I've had the opportunity to meet all kinds of different people in my life- abused mothers, people dying of cancer, happy newlyweds, and angry men - the list goes on and on. But I have also had the honor of meeting people who were willing to help my mom and me in any way possible. Those are the people that have taught me the meaning of life. They have set an example for me and my thankfulness for them is unexplainable.
When my mom and I ran away from my dad, my family was there to help. We moved from Kazakhstan to Russia when I was three years old. My aunt took us in and helped my mom get on her feet. Seven years later, when my mom and I move from Russia to the United States, we met people who had gone through the same thing and helped us ease the transition. After my mom and I ran away from my abusive step-dad, there were shelters full of women and children that were just like us, and people willing to listen and give you all their heart to comfort you in a time of frustration and fear. And even now, as my mom goes through her second cycle of chemotherapy, some of the most unexpected people have shown a desire to help. What I have learned from all of them is that helping and caring is a great thing. They have inspired me to do the same thing through volunteering and simply assisting others during hard times.
Overall, I believe that some of my greatest knowledge wasn't obtained at school, but was gained through valuable life experiences. As a result, I have become a strong, determined, and understanding individual. My passion for education and success helped me stay on top of my studies during the most difficult times. Doing so might have been difficult but I must say that it was well worth it. I will use my challenges in life towards my advantage and I am sure that I will overcome all obstacles possible to achieve my dream of bringing the world together and helping people out of the most difficult life situations.
and tried to figure out how to get myself out of this terrible situation.
I was really enjoying the essay by the time I got to this sentence. It is the kind of writing that anyone will enjoy.
I think when people write very well they are allowed to use contractions. However, some narrow minded readers might think less of your work because of a general idea that contractions have no place in formal writing. I am NOT saying Natalie is narrow minded; she is correct to suggest this change, because some AO readers might be narrow minded.
Yet, I think you write so well that you should keep the original... rhythm of the sentences ... by keeping the contractions.
I have to remove some commas here:
both poor and rich, both happy and sad, and both strong and helpless. ---this is a very powerful part, BTW.
I think the essay will be more complete with a little more discussion of the CURRENT person you are. What are you planning now, and what are you currently studying, etc., pertaining to your careers of interest?
If any AO reader sees this essay and does not admit you to the program, send him to talk to me! I will be very angry, and I'll call him names.
