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Germany - Personal Statement Essay for AFS Application - Proof-reading

vibrance 1 / -  
Mar 9, 2020   #1

Application for AFS Malaysia.

Location in question is Germany.

The question is as follows:
1. Tell us about yourself: Introduce yourself, your personality, your relationship with your family and friends, your responsibilities at home/school, list your favourites, interests or hobbies etc.

2. Tell us about your expectation (before,during & after) the exchange program.
3. Tell us about your participation in school and community activities
4. Tell us about your goals/plans which are important to you; and why you think you should be chosen for the AFS Program?
5. Tell us about your hobbies and interests.

My name is Joel Chong Jun Yu, and I am a sociable and friendly person. My family and I live in a small city in the south of Sabah, and we are very close and talk to each other on a daily basis. At home, I have a huge responsibility as the eldest son, while at school, being a prefect in a small school of about 40 students means I have to set good examples for my juniors. Personally, I thoroughly enjoy interacting with online communities within various platforms, as well as learning about storytelling using media.

Before the exchange program, I expect to learn some basic German to get a head start during my time there, as I have read that having some German phrases at hand is very helpful when starting out in school there. During the aforementioned program, I expect to expand my view on global culture by exposing myself to German mannerism. After the program, I will be able to make a better decision on whether Germany is a suitable place for me to continue my education.

In the past few years, I have joined a wide variety of volunteer programs organised by my school, such as: visits to the local Old Folks Home, community service with Love Tawau Project, leadership courses and camps from Leaderonomics Malaysia, as well as awareness visits to schools for the less fortunate. Outside of that, I have also participated in uniform body discipline camps held by the Bulan Sabit Merah.

As for some goals that are important to me, I think that studying hard is significant to me, since once I finish my education, I will be able to have a full-paying job to take care of my aging parents, since I am obliged to do so because they raised me since young. Through this exchange program, I hope to mold myself into a better person and understand the world outside of the confinement of my own country, therefore I think I'll be suitable for this program.

Even though I have many interests, a few stand out from the rest. I have always been intrigued by video games and their potential as a medium of storytelling, and I hope to be able to develop such games. Besides that, I also enjoy reading novels and listening to R&B, and I wish to dabble in music production sometime soon.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,088 3250  
Mar 10, 2020   #2
This is an excellent start to your response essay. You provide enough basic answers to the the questions. What you lack is an in-depth representation of your actions. These essays have a large word limit as you are expected to be highly detailed in your responses. Provide examples of your leadership skills, team work abilities, volunteerism, and anything else that might highlight how you are a perfect candidate for this scholarship. As of the moment, your essay provides a teaser response. You already have the reviewers attention with your presentation, now impress him with your action through words.

Think of including an explanation of how your interest in Germany developed and how that interest influenced your before, during, and after plans. If you can show that you have an affinity for Germany and its culture / educational system, then you add to the reasons why you would make a good AFS candidate.

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