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'Getting back on feet' - U Colorado/ Enrich community


fsolano94 16 / 30  
Jan 4, 2013   #1
Essay A (500 words maximum) The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

I would be able to enrich the diverse and inclusive community at the University of Colorado at Boulder because I am the type of person to initiate a conversation, establish a friendship, and intermingle with others regardless of their ethnicity. These are some personal qualities of mine that were shaped during my early childhood and interactions with others in my school community. I was raised solely by my mother in a community I 'd rather not live in but can't complain about because there were times when me, my mom, and three older sisters were virtually homeless and had to live with friends and other family members, until my mom received government assistance and was finally able to back on her feet. Nonetheless, I am grateful for my difficulties and hardships because they have made me the optimistic and humble person that I am today. Ultimately that's what sets me apart from the rest of the crowd. I never let my difficulties and hardships get the better of me. Even when I was a child and watched my three sisters' drop out of high school, I still diligently pursued my educational aspirations. While I could have easily followed in their footsteps, I decided to apply myself to my studies which is why I am currently in the top twenty percentile of my graduating class and maintain A's and B's in challenging classes such as AP Calculus, AP Physics, AP Biology, AP Chemistry, and Anatomy and Physiology Honors to mention a few. Growing up in one of the more violent areas of the rustle and bustle city of Las Vegas, Nevada has motivated me to be a peacemaker and help raise the awareness of education in my community. Seeing innocent children get killed over petty excuses such as a color or watching kids in need who have no guidance or comfort inclined me to be a youth leader and mentor of the local boys and girls club in my community. Through my constant dedication to help make a difference in my community, I've been able to help save the lives of some talented and brilliant teenagers. Jonathan Parrales is living proof of my efforts. At first Jonathan was heading down a dark and frightful road mainly due to the negative influences in his life; his two older brothers Edgar and William. Fortunately, during a speech I delivered to the judo members of our middle school, I was able to help Jonathan avoid going down that dark and scary road his brothers have decided to take. Now that we are seniors in high school Jonathan is a Sargent First in JROTC, and like me, will be the first member in his family to graduate from high school and go to college. I am certain that I can make a difference anywhere I go but I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else than Boulder. A leader is what describes me and is what I can bring to the University of Colorado at Boulder

I am exactly at 499 characters
lornam 3 / 16 3  
Jan 4, 2013   #2
First reaction - whoa, big block of text. I'd recommend breaking it up into several paragraphs so it's easier on the eyes. Cause right now, it's a bit daunting to look at.

Second reaction - I feel like you're just bragging about yourself, especially when you list all of the classes you're taking and Jonathan. Have a bit of humility. You can talk about them, but not in such a blatantly superior tone.
OP fsolano94 16 / 30  
Jan 5, 2013   #3
Thanks so much. And I didn't realize how arrogant I was throughout my essay. Thanks for helping me realize my flaws.
katev 18 / 120 24  
Jan 5, 2013   #4
I would be able to enrich the diverse and inclusive community at the University of Colorado at Boulder because I am the type of person to initiate a conversation, establish a friendship, and intermingle with others regardless of their ethnicity. These are some personal qualities of mine that were shaped during my early childhood and interactions with others in my school community.

Rather than saying "I'm good because of ___, ___, and ____." I would start off with your story. By answering the question in the first few lines, you don't really separate yourself from other writers. Anyone can say "I like to talk to people no matter what they look like." But not everyone can tell the same story.

I also agree that this sounds "braggy." You make it sound like you would benefit the community because you would grace people with your conversations and friendship no matter their ethnicity.

I was raised solely by my mother in a community I 'd rather not live in but can't complain about because there were times when me, my mom, and three older sisters were virtually homeless and had to live with friends and other family members, until my mom received government assistance and was finally able to back on her feet.

I was raised by a single mother in a (not so great) community. There were times when my three sisters, my mother, and I were virtually homeless, as we were rotating living with different friends and family members.

Nonetheless, I am grateful for my difficulties and hardships because they have made me the optimistic and humble (there are ways to say you're humble without saying humble, as this is sort of counterintuitive) person that I am today. Ultimately that's what sets me apart from the rest of the crowd. I never let my difficulties and hardships get the better of me.

Despite my (hard upbringing) , I am grateful for my hardships because they have made me the optimistic person I am today.

You clearly have a lot to bring to Boulder, but, as others have mentioned, you don't go about detailing this in the best way possible. I also agree that you should break up your text, it's very hard to read in one chunk
OP fsolano94 16 / 30  
Jan 8, 2013   #5
Alright. Sorry about straining your eyes. I didn't think breaking my essay up into paragraphs would help much but after three consecutive messages regarding my "duanting block of text" I am convinced that it would. I am going to do away with this essay and write one that tells a slice of my story. I think that would be far more effective than saying that I am this, this, and that. Thanks for all of your guys help. And I will probably have the new essay up sometime this afternoon so if you can please help and I will certainly return the favor.Good Luck to everyone one with their scholarship and undergrad essays!


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