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"Ghana's Independence Square" - looking through a window Williams College essay

KofiD 1 / 5  
Jan 22, 2011   #1
greetings from Ghana! I need help . kindly give me some feedback on the essay below.
This is the Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

As I slide the window of my memory, it opens to the 6th of March 2007 and I see thousands of feet stamping their way to Ghana's Independence Square. These people are on their way to Ghana's 50th birthday party, a celebration of human liberation. Although Ghana had broken the shackles of colonialism 50 years earlier, my beloved country has not yet escaped all its troubles. Today, however, is a day of pomp and pageantry.

My close friend, Kofi Frempong, and I also beat a steady rhythm on the dusty, balding planet beneath our feet. The road leading to the square was awash with many colors, but dominant were the red, gold, and green of Ghana's flag. Teeming around me were people from every corner of the nation. Also present were our kindred spirits from every crevice in the planet-black people, white people, green people and all the other exciting accidents of human diversity. Their eyes were misty with dreams for the coming years and fragments of memories of half-fulfilled political and socio-economic dreams.

As we sliced a winding path through the crowd, I felt waves of left-over euphoria from the first independence celebrations fifty years earlier. This memory kept smashing into the upwelling of hope and expectations of what the next fifty years has in store for us.

Reflecting on this scene fills me with gratitude for the amount of progress we have made as a nation. This does not imply that I am oblivious to how much of our national potential remains unachieved. I know that the collective dreams of my fellow citizens and I can only materialize on the altar of personal and national sacrifice. I believe that an active participation in public service is the highest expression of this commitment. Embracing this challenge whole-heartedly is therefore the ultimate purpose of my education and training.
pranavkjain 2 / 3  
Jan 22, 2011   #2
Hi Seth

Overall your essay is good.However, with little editing you can make it even better.You need to work on the first paragraph so that you present a clear picture of what you are seeing.You need to make the admissions officer feel that he is himself witnessing the scene.

Interchanging the first and the second para might help.The particulars that you have mentioned in the second para can be used as the beginning.

I hope this helps.

afallet1 1 / 2  
Jan 23, 2011   #3

I thought that your first sentence was a little runny; it could have possibly been broken up. Try to break up your sentences so that they can be said out loud with one breathe. I also felt that the third paragraph was a bite winded in its manner. I found myself starting to read these sentences but losing interest a ways into them.

Overall I was given the impression that you were passionate about your country, and I think with a few minor tweaks you could be on the road to a great essay!

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 26, 2011   #4
Awesome, Seth. Your way of writing is sort of hypnotic.

I can help by giving suggestions for saying it in fewer words for a powerful spear-thrust. Like this:
As I slide the window of my memory, it opens open to the 6th of March, 2007 and I see thousands of feet stamping their way to Ghana's Independence Square.

all the other exciting accidents of human diversity. ---Kevin stands up and claps his hands, cheering at the screen.

...what the next fifty years has have in store for us.

...can only materialize only on the altar of ---I changed this because I like the sould of 'only on the alter...'
Looking good! No AO person would be foolish enough to pass up the opportunity to have you. :-) (Also, thanks for the suggestions pertaining to our site, which I saw this morning.)

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