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"the gift of giving" (quality accomplishment) - UC prompt #2


lavendernlace 3 / 6  
Aug 14, 2010   #1
Prompt- Tell us about a personal quality accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about thi quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

[i]i am soooo confused about this so i wrote and essay. but i dont believe its any good. Can you please review and tell me what i SHOULD write about and how? or how to rewrite the essay?

The greatest gift is the gift of giving. Every time I give up a few hours of my day, I feel as if I am helping to create a better world. Benjamin Franklin said, "No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it for someone else." I vie to lighten those burdens through the act of community service. Some see volunteering as something you have to do. I see it as something I want to do.

In the course of my high school years, I have contributed over four hundred hours to the community in a variety of areas. For a year, I tutored children grade K-8 as part of my school Interact club. They were confused, loud and upset. Through the course of that year, I learned that patience is indeed a virtue. I discovered new ways to make the learning process easier and more entertaining with flashcards and singing ditties. My crowning achievement was the moment a middle school student came to me to give thanks. She had managed to raise a dismal 'D' to a "B." By tutoring others, I taught myself as well. I learned that by passing on my knowledge to another, I could improve a life just a little bit at a time.

I spent over two hundred hours in the local community hospital. During that time, I discovered how small actions can light up someone's day. I remember entering an elderly patient's room to give him a trash bag and asked "How are you today?" The simple question led to a simple "Fine. Thank you." Yet as I left the room, he called out to say, "Thanks for coming. You have no idea how nice it is to see a smiling face here." It was a moment that I will remember for the rest of my days. The people who enter the hospital are worried and frightened for themselves or a loved one. As a volunteer, I worked to alleviate the feelings for perhaps just a second with cup of coffee, directions, or a smile. The days within the sanitized doors of the hospital have opened my silent shy shell and allowed me to expand my personality into a more open person willing to give a helping hand. I gained leadership skills and confidence knowing that I was a valuable member of an institution that saves lives every day. After spending time in the hospital, I plan to enter the medical field in the future and dedicate my life to aid others.

When I volunteer, I feel a part of something bigger than myself. Community service is a way to create a positive world for all citizens. I am proud to 'lighten the burden' for others in my community and this led to the person I am today. I found qualities like dedication, assurance in my abilities, and communications skills. These are abilities that I will bring on to the university and carry on throughout my life.

melkorthefoul 13 / 31  
Aug 14, 2010   #2
Well, I'm not applying to UC's, so I'm not too familiar with the essay, but I'll try my best to help.

First off: I don't think rewriting is needed... you seem to be answering the question, methinks.

1. It asks for a accomplishment, contribution or experience. In your case, I think its a nice mix of all 3, in the form of community service. So you have certainly got the topic right.

2. It should be most important to you. I can't judge that, so skip that.

3. What about it makes you proud? You got 2 examples, which are quite relevant. Maybe get 1/2 more?

4. How does it relate to the person you are? You got quite a bit in there, I think

I think thats its OK... certainly not as bad as you seemed to think! As for really fine tips? I'm still new at this, so perhaps wait for a moderator to help :)
OP lavendernlace 3 / 6  
Aug 15, 2010   #3
thanks super much! i totally didnt expect a reply on this! i will incorporate ur suggestions!
zengrz 5 / 103  
Aug 15, 2010   #4
Hi.

Your essay definitely has covered the learning experience and the joy your received by helping other people. 400+ hours are a lot, I don't even think I have 50. lol

Try maybe to elaborate more on why you chose hospital in the first place, since you have contributed so much time on it.

I gained leadership skills

A little bit unclear, try to explain a bit.

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 15, 2010   #5
I remember entering an elderly patient's room to give him a trash bag and asked "How are you today?" The simple question led to a simple "Fine. Thank you." Yet as I left the room, he called out to say, "Thanks for coming. You have no idea how nice it is to see a smiling face here." It was a moment that I will remember for the rest of my days. The people who enter the hospital are worried and frightened for themselves or a loved one.

This is the soul of the essay, right here. This is the experience. Do not use the word volunteering more than once in this essay, because it is not about volunteering, and volunteering is something admissions readers see all the time. Write about that moment.

Then, write about 'how it relates to the person you are.' You can do this by writing about your chosen field and how it helps you add happiness to people's days. Are you going into the field of medicine? That would be great...

Anyway, do not write about volunteering. Mention that you met the woman while you were volunteering, but do no twrite the conclusion paragraph all about volunteering. Let this be about a moment and about your reflection on that moment. Let it also be about your future as you tell how it will affect your professional life.
OP lavendernlace 3 / 6  
Aug 15, 2010   #6
hmmm ur right! that is a much better direction to take it! right now im thinking about writing a totally new essay for the same prompt so i will have a choice later on! I will do as you suggest with this one as well and we will see which beats which! Thanks!


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