Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
At the age of six, I was given a chance comparable to Pandora's box. On February 1, 1999, in Raleigh, North Carolina, I had the opportunity to name my youngest baby sister. The thought process included going through the list of names of my best friends in my first grade class and the consideration of naming her "Molly" after the main character in my favorite TV show, "Big Comfy Couch." Eventually, I came to the conclusion of naming her "Kristin" because it had a "Kuh" sound and because the name "Catherine" has the same sound. Catherine was the name of my other sister. I thought that if I had let my imagination go wild, my dad would have disapproved. It was important to me to be approved by my dad because my suggestions couldn't be more of a disappointment than I already was. I still recall the heaviness and regret that hung in the air as my dad walked away to name the baby, Kristin, a name he had not expected to give. The perfect list of names for his son was dashed, alongside our family's tradition of male heirs that had lasted for decades.
Before the birth of my youngest sister, Kristin, my younger sister Catherine was attempt number two. When Catherine came home from the hospital in my mother's gentle arms, I saw a facial expression on my dad that was trying to hide a myriad of emotions. Even at a young age, I could suspect disappointment. I looked away and hoped it would fade because I wanted Catherine to be safe. Unfortunately, when Kristin came home, the expression came back and I finally realized why it had returned. To him we were failures. I could envision the thought cloud floating above my dad's head going "poof, poof" because no child of his would be able to fulfill his imagination of fatherhood. My dad would never go to the batting cage, spend hours upon hours trying to get past the one level on the hottest video game in stores, or even be able to say, "like father, like son."
Within my family, my dad is the first son of my grandfather, who is also the first son; my sisters and I brought shame to our family line. Throughout my life, I have been climbing mountain after mountain to reach the Ivory Tower of my grandparents' and father's expectations. Even after decades of feminist movements around the world, there are still nations that refuse to move forward; they choose to value the male more than the female. The inability to carry on the family name as a female is the root of this burden. My dream to rid the world of gender inequality is a product of my life experience. I am aware that my dream is of great magnitude, but to prove the value of women around the world, dreaming big is what I must do.
polished level? how effective/memorable will it be to the reader?
constructive criticism appreciated!
deff a unique essay compared to the ones ive read thus far
scale of 1-10.. id give this as 9
i really liked your concluding sentences..deff effective!
I thought it was a well written essay - however I feel that the second paragraph was too negative. Maybe mention how you have a lot of achievements which, while great in the eyes of your friends, fell short to your father's anti-feministic views.
I think you should either remove or revise this line:
"To him we were failures."
It is just wayyy to negative.
On top of that, by saying you opened pandora's box is saying you opened a jar full of evil - which is contradictory since you want to say that women are valuable.
Other than that very personal and unique.
Please review my essay too.
The thought process included going through the list of my best friends' names in my first grade class and the consideration of naming her "Molly" after the main character in my favorite TV show, "Big Comfy Couch."
It was important to me to be approved by my dad because my suggestions couldn't be more of a disappointmentbe more disappointing than I already was.
I looked away and hoped it would fade out because I wanted Catherine to be safe.
These are just my personal suggestions. Your essay is really a good one!
Could you take a look at my Virginia Tech essays? Thank you in advance!!
definitely like this essay, its a somewhat common theme, but still original.
not a whole lot to say, you connect it well to larger issues, and do well to acknowledge the magnitude of your goals. just a few minor suggestions to make some parts slightly more effective
comparable to? Pandora's box
Throughout my life, I have been climbing mountain after mountain, battling to reach the Ivory Tower that is grandparents' and father's expectations.
maybe replace prove with assert in the final sentence
if you wouldn't mind, id love some feedback on my common app essay
thanks and good luck! its a well-written essay
Far too much of this essay is devoted to your father's opinions and ideas; you need to spend time writing about who you are and what you want. Your concluding paragraph is very terse and underdeveloped, and the underlying "message" of your work is also incredibly cliche (which greatly contrasts to the relatively original anecdotes you used).
I think it's a unique start, but you have limited your world just to your father's opinions. It would be better to talk about positive things too. You can write about you city and community as well as your family positive points.
It was important to me to beapproved by my dad gain my father's approval because my suggestions couldn't could not be more of a disappointment than I already was.
avoid contractions in formal writing! colleges will not like to see that.
also i suggest you revise the last sentence, it did not flow like the rest of the essay.
with that said, i thought your essay well written, but there was alot of emphasis on what your father thought!
I really like this essay! It is quite original albeit sad, but touching!
the writing is good
The thought process included going through the list of names of my best friends in my first grade class and the consideration of naming her "Molly" after the main character in my favorite TV show, "Big Comfy Couch."
i don't really see the purpose of this.
The whole mood is pretty gloomy, I would suggest maybe adding a couple more sentences a the end, showing your determination for change ! It would compensate and add a very triumphant mood, something to think about.
Very well -written.
Look at my brown supp of you get the chance?
a name he had not expected me to give
Before the birth of my youngest sister, Kristin, my younger sister Catherine was attempt number two. - maybe add to the end -to have a son.
I saw a facial expression on my dad that was trying to hide a myriad of emotions- I saw my dad attempt to hide a myriad of emotions, but to him we were failures. Even at a young age, I could suspect his disappointment. After the birth of yet another daughter, Kristin, I could envision the thought cloud floating above my dad's head going "poof, poof" because no child of his would be able to fulfill his imagination of fatherhood. My dad would never go to the batting cage, spend hours upon hours trying to get past the one level on the hottest video game in stores, or even be able to say, "like father, like son."
I like the last paragraph particularly but I think you should elaborate on that aspect of you essay and not so much the story of your family. Just add a couple more sentences to the last paragraph and it would be perfect.
You can mention why you are proud to be a girl even though your sex is a dissapointment to everyone in your family then elaborate on this part of your essay. Even after decades of feminist movements around the world, there are still nations that refuse to move forward; they choose to value the male more than the female. The inability to carry on the family name as a female is the root of this burden. My dream to rid the world of gender inequality is a product of my life experience. I am aware that my dream is of great magnitude, but to prove the value of women around the world, dreaming big is what I must do.
Please read my returning to my life of academia Rochester essay it is only 117 words.
Similar conditions to mine. My father also dislike me because I am a girl. and he thinks that girls cannot match boys.. I hate this very much. but I tried to study better than any boys in my class, and I was admitted to one of the top universities in my country. You know what? My father once said that I could only enter the less-competitive schools.
So, I think you'd better elaborate your attitude against that of you father. What you have done and how you did to prove yourself.
I think that it's very good and it explores something of worldwide concern in a very private and personal way well. You could explore further what it means to you to be a girl, and how that is important for the world. Also, maybe you could mention a specific conflict with your father and your internal reactions to that so that the essay becomes even more personal and specific to who you are. Well done, I enjoyed it.
Please check out mine?
