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I am the girl with the curly hair ; COMMON APP - About Myself

karita7alicia 1 / 1  
Jan 10, 2013   #1
I am writing an essay for the college that I really want to get into. The college has asked me to write an essay about myself in a creative or personal way. This is what I have so far but I feel as though it is missing something. If you could please give me your input that would be great. Thank you.

When people first meet me the first thing that they always comment about is my curly hair. I am the girl with the curly hair that is touched and admired by everyone. Some days I hate my hair and other days I love it because it makes me stand out from everyone else. I am a girl who is very skinny due to genetics. I love eating a lot but people do not realize how much I eat until they see me eat. When they ask me where all of my food goes I point at my puffy, curly hair. If I were to guess I would say that most of my weight goes to the hair that I have on my head.

I am Hispanic and my best friend is African American, the first time she saw my curly hair straightened she told me that my hair made me look like I was partially black. I love the way that I am seen as cultural just by the look of my hair. I feel as though it is very important to be knowledgeable about many cultures. In this way it is easier to relate to different types of people. When I meet people for the first time I love knowing where they came from and about their whole life story. In this way I am able to relate to them in some way.

This love of learning about cultures made me love learning new languages. My primary language was Spanish one of the most beautiful languages in the world. With the many accent and the rolling of the "r" that makes one seem more sophisticated. When my family and I moved to the US it was easy for me to learn English. I learned English in less than three months that I came here in my kindergarten class. I loved being able to speak two different languages at the age that I was. Sometimes I would even try to teach my best friend Spanish. In the seventh grade I was able to learn my third language, French. French is another romance language and because of this it was easy for me to learn to speak it from my previous Spanish knowledge. The French oral exams came easy for me because I am good at making things up on the spot. I love speaking in public and showing off the new things that I have learned. I took French for six years and I love speaking three different languages. My goal is to learn at least five different languages in the near future.

lexilex1995 6 / 17  
Jan 10, 2013   #2
Make the story into a narrative that's what they probably want
lexilex1995 6 / 17  
Jan 10, 2013   #4
also make them believe that they are you when you write it.... more like they are experiencing what you did add sensory details into it
sdelicana 5 / 10  
Jan 11, 2013   #5
Be more expressive and add imagery to make your essay stand out. Also, some parts are repetitive like

I love eating a lot but people do not realize how much I eat until they see me eat.
manjot 2 / 30  
Jan 11, 2013   #6
Describe your hair at the start of the essay, adds context to it , There is no specific characteristic about you, your essay comes off as disjointed and full of unconnected ideas, Its just not precise and clear. You can also describe how different culture have different which become their identity. You love for learning languages can come off much better. There are many things here that show you off as dreamy, I would suggest proofreading this properly.

Like my post if you find this helpful .

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